Are You Best Friends With Your Spouse?
Liz and I
The last couple of months I have been extremely busy with my business and my blogs. Between the daily grind and the ensuing struggles ahead, my mind has been preoccupied with my own responsibilities. In the mean time, my wife has been taking on more responsibilities as well and we are finding it hard to be able to just ‘hang out’ like we used to.
Over this past weekend we had a family lunch/get together. On the car ride over my wife and I had one of those moments when we were on exactly the same page. I was thinking exactly what she was about to say. Then she opened her mouth, “I don’t want to lose our friendship.”
Even though I was thinking the same thing I was still taken back when I heard it come out of her mouth. I quickly agreed and let her know my similar thoughts. I apologized for letting my mind be so fully consumed by my ‘responsibilities’ and assured her that I wanted nothing more than to continue to grow this wonderful friendship we had started 6 years ago.
My wife is a very sensitive woman, but only in the best kind of way. She immediately smiled and I could see her relax just a little. She accepted my apology. She just needed to hear that I too desired a closeness that only comes from a strong, mutual friendship.
The rest of the afternoon was refreshingly enjoyable. For those few hours that followed our conversation in the car, I made the concerted effort to only focus on our time together. I spent that time with my best friend, the only person I wanted to share my whole life with.
Time has a way of breaking down relationships.
Isn’t it amazing how so many relationships start off strong and with so much potential, only to end in brokenness? It seems that the natural progression of relationships is to decay with time. I am not saying this is always the case or that this is the way it should be, just an observation.
It seems that in the beginning we are immature and unaware of many of the struggles that lie ahead. Paying the bills, raising kids, going through unexpected hard times; our futures are littered with hardship at one point or another. But when we first make that bond with our significant other we are only aware of THEM and the beautiful gift of their heart. All we want to do is spend time with them, get to know them better. We are satisfied with the simplest of conversations if only to make one more connection with our new found love.
But over time we seem to lose this. Suddenly it is not enough to spend time together. We get so used to each other that our minds naturally take the other for granted.
It can never be like it used to be.
I think one reason so many fail to rekindle their friendships is because they try to go back to ‘the way it was’. But this is impossible. Your relationship has matured, you know each other better and you now have ‘issues’ that you didn’t have when you first met. This is why it’s so important that you adjust your expectations of what it means to be your spouses ‘best friend’.
I think for Liz and I we just needed to know that we were on the same page. We needed to know that we were still best friends and that the growth of that friendship was still of the highest priority.
Over time we lose these core ideas of what’s truly important in our relationships and we just need to be re-centered from time to time. But the key is that this occurs while you are together and on the same page. It’s only with this mutual understanding that one can be assured of a bright future in their relationship.
Stop letting ‘life’ chip away at the things that matter.
It’s not just our relationships that fall prey to the terror of time, but it can be anything and everything that matters. Here are some examples I can think of off the top of my head:
- Our idea of a bright future.
How many of you started your adult life with a no compromise vision of your future, only to now find yourself living the average life you were determined to bypass? It is important that we constantly re-assess our situation and compare it to our original ideas. Do they match up? If not, why? Sometimes there are things that are out of our control that keep us from living the lives we desire, but all too often we have much more control than we take credit for.
- Our health.
We never think we could find ourselves overweight and/or in bad health, but many of us are in that exact situation. Over time we give into temptations more and more and become less physically active. If it all happened at once we might be shocked into making better choices, but it happens slowly and we get lulled into it. It’s very important that we are aware of our health from year to year. If you weigh 10 pounds more today than you did 1 year ago, why? If you get winded going up a flight of stairs when you used to run 5 miles a day just a few years ago, what’s now stopping you from exercising? Stay in touch with your body and the subtle adjustments over the long haul. If you don’t, you may find yourself slowly deteriorating without even knowing it.
- Our ability to relax.
Isn’t it interesting how kids can go from a full blown tantrum to being sound asleep in minutes. This is because they don’t have the weight of the world on their shoulders. But as adults we carry burdens that can weigh us down and cause intense stress. But, like our health, this doesn’t happen all at once. It takes years of pressure, struggles, disappointments, etc… to create the kind of burdens we carry around today. This makes it sometimes hard to sleep at all, let alone relax in a moments notice. And yet it is very important that we are able to let things go and give our minds the rest it needs to recover from a long day. So find those things that help you relax and make sure that you incorporate them in your daily schedule. This is not only a good thing to do, but it is essential to a healthy lifestyle.
Who is your best friend and what impact do they have on your life?
Are you in a relationship? Do you enjoy the kind of friendship that I’ve talked about in this post? Has time chipped away at what it once was? The same question goes for other areas of your life.
These are all important questions to ask yourself on a regular basis. If we are to live the lives that are best for us and the ones we love we need to keep track of our progress. The changes of time can be a dangerous thing if left unchecked.
25 Responses to “Are You Best Friends With Your Spouse?”
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Yes, my wife is my best friend 3 years before I had a special feelings for her. And we still are, after 12 years of being married. I cannot imagine anybody who can understand me better than she does.
I think this is very important in any love relationship that friendship should start first and maintain it during the marriage, because it is easier to be transparent.
Thanks!
Angel Cuala´s last blog post..Why a Family Business fails
I can relate fully to this post. My wife is my best friend. The one I can confide in. The one that calls me out when I’ve messed up. And…the one I take for granted. It can be easy to forget what she means to me, when I see her everyday. And in the busy-ness that has consumed our lives, you make a great point. We don’t want to lose that closeness. And that takes active work on our part. I have been slipping recently. Between my busy schedule, her odd work hours, and the myriad of kids activities we are running to, there leaves little time to really “connect” with each other. I need to make that time. It needs to be a priority. Thanks, this is a good message for me to hear.
Lance´s last blog post..Winds of Change
Hi Eric. Congratulations on being new blogger of the week at BWAB.
My partner John is my best friend. We have been through tough times and good times together Sometimes we get caught up in a day to day lives and take each other for granted perhaps a little.
We talked about this issue recently and have agreed to remind each other regularly if we feel we a slipping back into that mode again.
It was nice to read another person’s perspective on this. Thank you for sharing in your blog.
Leanne Magraith | Forever Change´s last blog post..Take 2 – How Do You Sharpen Life’s Pencil?
Hey Eric! Congratulations on being New Blogger of the Week! I appreciate your open thoughtfulness on this subject.
My best friend is my husband, Pete. We are lucky to have found each other at just the right time to spend the rest of our lives together. Sometimes you have to try something more than once to get it right.
I hope you don’t mind if I stick around.
Betsy Wuebker | Passing Thru´s last blog post..OUTSIDE, SEEING
Well said Eric. You can’t recreate, you must evolve. My best friend’s my wife, bar none. We’ve been together for eleven years. It’s all about communication. Honest and consistent communication is the floor you dance on.
Writer Dad´s last blog post..Hi, My Name is Sean (Not Seen).
Great post Eric. It does give one a great deal to think about. I have finally found that relationship. I knew my husband was the one shortly after we started seeing each other. (No, it was not love at first sight.) I have always only counted on me in any situation until my husband proved otherwise. He got me through a personal tragedy that I didn’t think was possible. He is definitely a gift. and my very best friend!
BloggerNewbie´s last blog post..Happy 100th Blog Post!
The Urbane Lion and I are best friends. We can be driving along, just like you and Liz, and one of us will say something that the other was also thinking just at that same moment. There are times when one of us is super busy, and the other one steps in to pick up the slack. This is normal, healthy and necessary. But sometimes one of us gets too preoccupied, and then the other one has to wave our arms about (sometimes literally) and say “Hello…best friend over here.” This does the trick..well, that and a hug..and we are off and running again.
BTW, came over here from Barbara’s site. Welcome to the NBOTW Club.
Urban Panther´s last blog post..Airport shenanigans
I just got married two weeks ago and it seems that everyday is happier. I hope that the relationship doesn’t decay like you said and I don’t think it will…
we’re currently talking about motorcycles and babies on instant messenger and I’m not hanging up the helmet but I’m not going to go on any 5 day adventure rides either.
Paunchiness´s last blog post..Win an Apple® iPod® Shuffle
@Angel Cuala: “I think this is very important in any love relationship that friendship should start first and maintain it during the marriage, because it is easier to be transparent.”
Great point! Transparency is key for both parties to be able to trust each other.
@Lance: It sounds like you genuinely love and appreciate your wife. Thanks for sharing this!
@Leanne Magraith: I love hearing other peoples stories in regard to the ways they connect with their loved ones. Thanks for sharing.
@Betsy: It sounds like Pete is the right man for YOU. If you’re not with the right person, you’ll never be really be happy (at least with your relationship).
“I hope you don’t mind if I stick around.”
I’m happy to have you. You are, of course, welcome any time!
@Writer Dad: “Honest and consistent communication is the floor you dance on.”
Well said! It’s when those lines of communication break down that you get into trouble.
@BloggerNewbie: “He got me through a personal tragedy that I didn’t think was possible.”
Both my wife and I have helped each other through struggles (a parents death and patents divorce). It was a real blessing to have each other through those hard times. Thanks for sharing.
@Urban Panther: “…and say “Hello…best friend over here.””
I love the way you put this. Sometimes it really is just a matter of keeping each other awake and aware of our friendship.
@Paunchiness: Congratulations! I’m sure you’ll find the compromise that both enables you to enjoy life and still keep up with your responsibilities.
It is amazing how we take those closest to us for granted. We usually have a shorter temper and pay less attention to them. often times, not because we care less about them, but because we trust that they are always going to be there. Strange, but the mroe you trust someone, the more you are able to take them for granted. We are strange creatures.
rebel´s last blog post..My Budgeting Strategy
Hi – Eric. What a great post. I found you through BWAB by the way.
My husband is my best friend. It’s my second marriage and I think it’s worked so well because we were friends before we started seeing each other. I think that’s really important when you’re going through stressful times.
A lot of folk aren’t in marriages with people they’d choose to be friends with, if they weren’t married. I certainly wasn’t the first time round. And it really makes a big difference having that friendship when you’re going through hard times.
@rebel: “Strange, but the more you trust someone, the more you are able to take them for granted. We are strange creatures.”
This is a great point. It seems like such a contradiction, but it’s so true.
@Cath Lawson: “A lot of folk aren’t in marriages with people they’d choose to be friends with, if they weren’t married.”
I’m not a marriage expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I have to guess that this is one of the biggest reasons for divorce.
By the way, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I always like to see new faces around here.
Eric.
Eric,
Thank you for your good blog design and wonderful thoughts on marriage. Best Friends and keep working at it = a wonderful way to start a marriage.
Congratulations on being chosen the NBOTW on Barbara’s blog – a lovely honor.
33 years ago my mum and Dad and the minister of our church picked a very nice fellow for me to marry we are very good friends and have a deep love for each other. We are not best friends. We are an incredible team and parental unit and we can take on much of the world and have taken on many, many extremely difficult situations – including Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I think part of our strength is that we are not best friends. I would just like to offer up the possibility that there are many combinations which results in strength and love, but how lovely when then combine into being “best friends” also.
Patricia´s last blog post..Kindle From Amazon.com
Hello Eric,
Congratulations on being new blogger of the week. I am kind of enjoying the fact that I already had all NBOTW in my reader (and embarassed that I haven’t taken out time to let each of them know how much I enjoy reading their blogs).
To answer your question, yes, I am best friends with my spouse. We hit off as friends the very first day we met and touch wood, have been each others best friend since last five years.
I see lot of commenters above with a more than a decade of being best friends with their partners – like angel, sean (writer dad), urban panther, patricia … would love to know what their secret is?
Avani-Mehta´s last blog post..Honor Your Anger Style : Anger Management Series Part V
Your marriage will grow stronger! You two sure do look great together.
Daniel Richard´s last blog post..Construction Bear Bear!
What a lovely picture!! It is also great to know that your best friend is your wife. There are so many stories of a lack of communication nowadays, contributing to the fall in marriages. It’s not often that I get to read a success story! Congrats!
Evelyn Lim´s last blog post..Soul Revelations From Past Life Memories
I was visiting from Blogging Without a Blog from Blogger Dad’s interview. This post struck a chord with me because I feel like my wife and I are best friends, but we hardly have the time for each other. It makes me really sad because I do love her dearly.
I sent her this link, thanks for giving us something to chat about tomorrow.
I am so lucky that my husband (my friend for 8 years) is the one that says things like your wife just said. Recently, he suggested I put away the laptop one night of the week, so we can have some together time, chatting about nothing, after the kids went to bed …. and I readily agreed …
I was so glad he said what he did, since I am the kind of person that gets carried away with my work ….
Such a well written post…and congrats on being featured on NBOTW. I still need to hear your secret wrt being first on the ZenHabits comment list
Maya´s last blog post..The key to happiness and balance is right with you, just learn to use it – Part 1 of the thinkmaya framework
@Patricia: “I think part of our strength is that we are not best friends. I would just like to offer up the possibility that there are many combinations which results in strength and love,…”
This is a great point and I agree that this can be the case. I’m glad that you and your husband are the ‘right’ combination.
@Avani-Mehta: “I see lot of commenters above with a more than a decade of being best friends with their partners – like angel, sean (writer dad), urban panther, patricia … would love to know what their secret is?”
I don’t think there’s any secret, just patience, love, and more patience.
@Daniel: Thanks for the great compliment!
@Evelyn Lim: Thanks. We’re still very young, but have been through our share of trials and come out stronger because of it.
@Matthew: “I sent her this link, thanks for giving us something to chat about tomorrow.”
You’ll have to let us know what conversation ensued.
@Maya: “Recently, he suggested I put away the laptop one night of the week, so we can have some together time, chatting about nothing, after the kids went to bed ….”
I’ve thought about this. I’m a lot like you, getting caught up in my work. We speak with our actions and if I can’t put my work down to spend time with my wife, what am I saying to her?
“I still need to hear your secret wrt being first on the ZenHabits comment list
”
I might turn this into a post at Up-And-Coming-Blogger, but then again, I might not.
You describe your wife wonderfully, with your emotions clear for us to see. My husband was my best friend for a year before we decided to go out together, and he was also my best friend during our engagement year.
Twelve years and seven kids later, we are still best friends. It is so nice to have that security of knowing each other.
Rosie : )´s last blog post..Ketchup, anyone?
@Rosie: Wow, 7 kids! Sounds like a busy life.
Thanks for your kind words and a few tidbits about your relationship with your husband. It sounds like a wonderful story.
I love this post. It really makes you take a step back and realize what you have. My husband and I used to do stuff together all the time. Yet, since our daughter was born 2 years ago, we’ve pretty much stopped doing stuff together. We are either too tired to do anything period or one of us is taking care of the baby.
I think we probably do take each other for granted; after 13 years together, it’s easy to do. But I’m going to definitely try to spend more quality time with him from now on, and not let life and parenting take over so much.
Rayne´s last blog post..NKOTB and a Girls’ Night Out
@Rayne: I’m glad you enjoyed it and got something useful out of it. Our lives complicate themselves with such ease, yet clearing out even just a little time can feel like a huge undertaking.
Thanks for stopping by and hope to hear more from you.
Eric.