Image courtesy of T.E.R.
Let me start by saying that I’m a BIG promoter of following your goals and dreams. Just not in the way that our kids are taught.
The other day, while working on a client’s computer in their home, the TV was blaring in the background with their child plopped down on the floor, mesmerized with viewing pleasure. I couldn’t help but notice the song that was being sung by a man with a guitar and a funny looking hat. Surrounding him were a bunch of children rocking to the rhythm of his acoustic instrument.
I can’t recite the words verbatim, but I remember the message quite clearly. It was the same content that comes from many other children’s stations and something that Liz and I like to call ‘The great lie of Disney‘. It was the message that, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up. All you have to do is try REALLY hard.”
Now some of you may be thinking, “What the heck is wrong with that? Why not encourage kids to shoot for the stars?” Hey, I’m all for pursuing our dreams. If you’ve read enough of my past posts you’ll know how I think we SHOULD shoot for the stars. But to constantly fill our kid’s heads with this ‘less than truthful’ catch phrase is just not right.
Why do I think this is a lie?
Let’s start with a little bit of an extreme analogy:
- Hey little boy, what do you want to be when you grow up? “I want to be a fighter pilot for the Airforce!” That’s great, just make sure to work real hard and you can be whatever you want to be. Oh, what’s that, you’re color blind? Sorry, but you can’t be a pilot. But I’m sure they’d let you scrub the decks of the aircraft carrier if you work REAL hard!
OK, so this may be a little harsh, but the fact is, it’s one of many REAL analogies. I’m sure we could think of some that were a little less extreme, but the point would still be clear; we CAN’T do/be ANYTHING we want to be. It’s just not a REAL concept.
Woe now, wait a second here. Am I hearing this right? Is the author of “Motivate Thyself” actually pushing the idea that we CAN’T? Doesn’t that go against your code of ethics or something?
What makes kids different?
When I am writing a post on “Motivate Thyself” and I talk about the idea that we CAN, I am ‘preaching’ the concept to an adult audience. We all know that there are limitations to everything and that it is more about ‘not giving up’ than it is about conquering the world. Sure, I truly believe that we can accomplish much more than we ever thought possible and that it is our fears, insecurities and sometimes even laziness that hold us back, not our limitations. But this idea is often ingested much differently by children.
As a child, you are much more prone to literal belief than you are as an adult. Your future is wide open, so being an astronaut seems just as plausible as being a school teacher. So to fill a child’s mind with a concept that is completely prone to providing disappointment more than persistence, is just plain wrong. If you build a vision in their minds that doesn’t allow for a possible failure, and that shows no need for a plan B or even C and D, you are doing them a disservice. This concept is setting our kids up with only one explanation for their failures; YOU DIDN’T TRY HARD ENOUGH!
OK smart guy, what do YOU think we should teach our kids?
This is certainly a tough question to answer and one that I can only hope to give insight. If you know me, you might also be thinking about the fact that I don’t even have kids. We have one on the way, but none that are running around, creating havoc; not yet at least. 
But I’ve been one before and have looked after many in my family. Let’s just say that many of you are much more the experts here, but I think my thoughts are sound, none the less.
I don’t believe the message should be, “You can be ANYTHING!”, but instead, “You can be MANY THINGS!” The message shouldn’t be based on the idea of ‘one perfect profession’ that is yours for the taking, but on the fact that there are so many wonderful adventures to be had, that your future is bright. That you will fail on occasion and that some things may always be just out of reach, but to never give up, and keep your pursuits on the many passions that present themselves. We should be singing songs of opportunities, yes. But, no, we shouldn’t chant with cheers of a perfect career that embodies all our visions of our future.
What do YOU think the song should be?
How should our kids be encouraged? Should they be told they can be anything they want to be? Is this false hope or just the right kind of encouragement they need to shoot for the stars and make the most of their futures?
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Hi Eric – Yes, it is ironic that you wrote this post, but like you said, you are writing for an adult audience.
When I was a kid my parents told us we could DO anything we set our mind on. As a child that motivated us to get good grades in school, but when we got to be young adults we realized we had choices. As a young girl I thought I wanted to be a nurse, but then I realized that was not my cup of tea. But I did take that advice and continued to work hard and as a woman broke through those imaginary glass ceilings. The advice was good for me. It made me realize barriers are often a figment of the imagination. Ironically that advice has always remained with me, and has been a good thing.
I’ll be curious to see what others contribute.
Barbara Swafford´s last blog post..Are Domain Names Over Rated
@Barbara: I’m definitely interested to hear other’s insight. I know I definitely took one side of the issue so I’m sure there will be others who take completely different positions. I don’t even disagree with your points as much as I think it’s different with different children. Either way, it should make for some interesting discussion.
I think my struggles with my “what do I want to be when I grow up” plans as a child has helped me somewhat. Knowing what I know now I tend to just nod in agreement when one of my children makes a statement concerning a goal for their adult life. I know those ideas and goals are going to change over time.
I remember when my son was much much smaller. He said the strangest thing when we were driving around town.
“Dad”, he said out of the blue, “When I grow up, I want to be a stop sign.”
I took about 3 double takes and questioned only to make sure I understood what he said. After several questions, I realized he wanted to be not just a stop sign, but a stop light!
At any rate, I only nodded in agreement. I let his imagination take him there. Let him just be that for that brief time, if only in his mind. I knew…er…hoped that would change. It did. Now, he is 10, he wants to be a software developer and write games so he can sit around and play all day.
That’s my boy.
Scott´s last blog post..That Pesky Devil!
I believe by telling the children straight that they can’t be something they want to be seems like a straight smack to the face.
I love the sentence you mentioned, “You can be MANY THINGS!” instead of you can be anything. It will be a more tactful way than telling them they can’t do something instead.
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Vincent´s last blog post..11 Keys To Double Your Productivity
One thing I wanted to point out was the fact that I’d never suggest that we actually discourage our kids. I don’t see the need to tell our children what they CAN’T do. I just think we need to be careful with what we preach to them.
In other words, if little Billy say’s, “Dad, I want to be an Astronaut.”
I would just say, “Great! Go for it. That sounds exciting.”
But that’s much different than saying, “Sure Billy. And you WILL be and astronaut because I believe you’ll work REAL hard and when you do that you can be anything you want to be.”
So encouraging our kids to put their minds to their pursuits and never letting their standards be anything less than super high is just fine. We just need to let THEM decide their limits.
Now this still maybe a controversial view point, but I just wanted to be clear on what it was.
Hmmm I’m not so sure – I get where you’re coming from, though as I child I can remember feeling inspired at the prospect of being able to achieve anything. I’m not so sure “you can be anything you want if you work hard enough (with the exception of some things you can never be, like president)” would have gone down too well!
I think the realisation kicks in later in life anyway that there are some exceptions to the rule – I’m not so sure this needs to be explained to kids! Regardless, I think the most important message that should be instilled in kids is “don’t give up”. Even when others tell you “it can’t be done”. Amazing things can happen – just check out some of Nick Vujicic’s videos…..
And for the record (insert wry grin) – my kids can/will be anything they want when they grow up
Cheers Eric
@Scott: I definitely agree with the idea that we should let children’s imaginations take them to whatever ‘land’ they want to go. I certainly have no desire to hold kids back from their dreams.
@Vincent: “I love the sentence you mentioned, “You can be MANY THINGS!” instead of you can be anything. It will be a more tactful way than telling them they can’t do something instead.”
I’m glad you pointed this out. It’s certainly not my desire to tell kids what they can’t do.
@Ross: “…as I child I can remember feeling inspired at the prospect of being able to achieve anything.”
Absolutely! I’m not in disagreement with this idea at all. I didn’t think my words in the post were either. But, from the comments thus far, maybe I did a poor job of explaining my thoughts.
“And for the record (insert wry grin) – my kids can/will be anything they want when they grow up
”
I’m sure they will be, Ross!
Eric.
Saying you could be many things is a great way to lay it out, Eric. It is true, the world isn’t always fair, and we can’t always have everything we want. Learning this early, and dealing with it well, is essential to being the best that we can be.
Writer Dad´s last blog post..Bright Ideas
Eric, your comment about the child wanting to be a pilot and then discovering he’s colour blind reminded me of that same moment in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’. I think I may need to rent that movie again.
I agree with Vincent, you can’t outright tell a child no you can’t do that. We need to keep the creative desire alive in our children.
I think the real message is that rather than blindly telling our children that they can do anything they desire encourage them to follow their dreams and passions. Get them involved in activities that will make those dreams become closer to reality.
Neil´s last blog post..Dealing With Mr. Cranky-Pants
I agree that while one should never discourage children from reaching for the stars, one should not set them up for failure with too great expectations.
I feel quite strongly about the subject, because I have both autism and cerebral pares in the family and I both easily imagine and see the trouble of allowing too high expectations. I also work with a teenage girl who, on a bad day, has the mental development of a 3-4 year old. She also has a teenager’s raging hormones, interests and desires. Should I tell her she can be anything she wants to be if she just tries hard enough, when she might never even be able to take care of herself? There is a danger, though, in trying to be dissuasive. She dreams about getting married to prince charming and while I doubt she will, you never know. My sister-in-law can’t take care of herself on a day to day basis and she has a live-in fiancé that can’t either. We have to control ourselves so that we don’t let our own biases and prejudices potentially hinder kids in the future. Imagine if Barack Obama’s mother told him at a young age that mulatto boys with foreign names don’t become presidents!
Emma´s last blog post..The hows and whens of animal domestication
What I like most about, “You can be many things!” isn’t so much the greater realism, but just the freedom. It takes adults forever to realize that it’s okay to change your career, perhaps because we got the message early on that we have to pick one thing.
I love the plurality of it, and the freedom to experiment that goes along.
Sara at On Simplicity´s last blog post..Handling Feedback Elegantly and Easily
Great post! I think parents are so worried themselves about their children’s future– and by fearing that their kids won’t be able to handle some disappointment here or there, they counterproductively overcompensate and set them up for the biggest fall by saying, you can be anything.
I think that self-esteem comes from being self-reliant and knowing how to solve problems. We don’t need to race ahead when our kids are building blocks and say– he’s going to be an architect (this kind of parent anxiety starts there!). Like you say, how or what kids do in life isn’t Disney make-believe, it’s about reality– paying attention to what matters to your child, encouraging them to set realistic goals and work towards them.
I write about these issues in my recent book, Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility and Happiness. Please note this isn’t about positive thinking, it’s about possible thinking and accurate thinking.
All best to you and thanks for keeping this issue on the radar for parents– when they redefine their roles not as rescuers but nurturers/teachers, it will be less pressure all around.
Tamar Chansky
http://www.freeingyourchild.com
@Sean: Learning this early is definitely an important factor.
@Neil: “Eric, your comment about the child wanting to be a pilot and then discovering he’s colour blind reminded me of that same moment in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’.”
That’s funny, because the second you mentioned this I know exactly what you were talking about. Who knows, maybe I was subconsciously thinking about this when I wrote out the analogy.
“Get them involved in activities that will make those dreams become closer to reality.”
I like this point a lot! More parents should follow this advise.
@Emma: It sounds like you have a lot of experience with children that come with less ‘capabilities’, but HUGE hearts. I would definitely see the need to keep their feet on the ground a little. But I like how you use those experiences to add to this discussion. You make some great points!
@Sara: “I love the plurality of it, and the freedom to experiment that goes along.”
Thanks! And I love the way you verbalize this point. We seem to be brought up as if, like our ‘mates’, there is ONE career picked out for us. When in reality, most of us will enjoy (and sometimes not) many different fields of work.
@Tamar: “I think that self-esteem comes from being self-reliant and knowing how to solve problems.”
This is SUCH a great point!
“…when they redefine their roles not as rescuers but nurturers/teachers, it will be less pressure all around.”
Again, well said! Eric.
Interesting points. I have a 12-year old daughter and a 7-year old son, and both of them are dreamers. The elder one loves to be a veterinarian, while my son love cars.
I always tell them that it’s nice to dream to be somebody someday, and I tell them that it is not just what you like but also what you are capable to do.
When I was younger, I want to be a soldier since I grew up in a place where violence is a meal. However, things change and now I am glad I did not become a soldier. I realized that there are still other ways to promote peace, but I really admire soldiers though.
Thanks.
Angel Cuala´s last blog post..How to avoid Scam Blog Contests
I have done things that I had never imagined I would do. The things that my parents thought I was never capable of. Going by that, I would never tell my child they cannot become or do something. We can do plenty if we puts our hearts and minds to it. Yes, there will be disappointments – so it is up to us parents to balance this lesson with the realities of the world.
As the kids grow up they should make their choices and be responsible for them. Sara put it very well.
Maya´s last blog post..Are you a storyteller? What is your story?
I think because I was NOT told I could be whatever I wanted or do good things in life, it has taken me a while (years!) to realize what they didn’t tell had more of an effect on me than I realized. It’s something I have to remind myself on a daily basis. I think not encouraging your children is more damaging.
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@Angel: Your situation brings great examples to the discussion. I like the balance you give to your kids with your encouraging of their futures. As you said, we shouldn’t stifle their imaginations and aspirations, but it doesn’t hurt to help them stay focused on attainable goals. This is not to say that we can’t attain great things, just that their are so many possibilities that their is something out there for everyone.
@Maya: I agree with everything you just said. I have no desire to see kids be stifled by negativity. Good points.
@Carla: I understand what you’re saying here. If we fail to show our children the world of opportunities available to them, we are in essence, discouraging the possibilities of their future. I’m certainly not for this at all.
If I wasn’t clear in the post, I’ll try to be more so with this comment. I am in NO WAY in favor of discouraging our children. I don’t think we should EVER tell them that they shouldn’t give everything all they have. I just feel we need to be careful in the WAY we encourage them.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate your opinion. Eric.
Hi Eric,
My oldest boy is 6 and he started school this year. He has a healthy imagination about what he’s going to be. So far there’s been about six or seven different professions that he’s going to be. I don’t say anything to dissuade him from his dreams because I had a stepfather who squashed pretty much every dream I had from ages 8 onwards.
As he gets older the best lesson that I can teach him is that any mistakes he makes along the way don’t make him a bad person or a failure. Mistakes are oppurtunities to learn and are only sign posts on life’s journey.
I’m quite taken with the “you can be many things” sentence.
Also being parented is not the same as being a parent. Experience in dealing with various bodily fluids is what really makes a person a parent – there’s nothing quite like hearing your kid make a strange noise and stepping in someting cold and squishy in the middle of the night.
Cheers
@Ben: Great stuff! It sounds like you’re a great dad!
Thanks for sharing your excellent insight. Eric.
@ Eric
Thanks for your kind words.
Another thought I’ve had about this post is that another valuable thing to pass on to kids is a realistic perspective of what success is. Being in the top 25% of their profession is still successful – not every one can be number 1.
Cheers
@Ben: Exactly! Well said. Eric.