Feeling the sting of a verbal attack

I recently received an email from one of my websites that was anything but positive in nature.  I was basically told, by a total stranger that had just laid eyes on my site for the very first time, that I was a worthless piece of @#$%.  This person seemed to go to great lengths to tare me down as quickly and effectively as possible.  I had been having quite a tough week and this was just one more stone that had met its intended target.

I started to reply, trying to stay calm and not be a jerk right back, but I was having a hard time not getting defensive.  So I got Liz to read the email and asked her opinion.  The second she had finished reading the words of this viscous verbal assault, she looked at me and said, “Eric, why would you even give this person two seconds of your time?  Just delete it and move on.”  Realizing the foolishness of trying to defend myself to someone who had no intention of having a two way conversation, I deleted the email and tried my best to forget about it.

Later that day, while walking our dogs, Liz and I discussed the situation.  She admitted that it was easy for her to tell me to forget about it, but that if it had been directed at her, it most certainly would have bothered her, but that paying attention to that kind of feedback will do nothing but bring you down.  That absolutely NO GOOD could ever come from responding to the kind of hate that was in that email.  I agreed and I moved on.

The effect of feedback

I don’t know about you, but when I have a couple of days that are filled with nothing but positive reinforcement and encouragement, I can’t help but feel light on my feet.  I have more energy, get more done and tend to be a more positive person.  But this can easily be brought to a screeching halt if the right words are used.  Something like that email I described above can really take the wind out of my sales if I let it.  I like for people to like me and I enjoy sharing positive experiences, not baring the brunt of someone else’s bad day.  I want to help people when they are in need, not get stepped on when things don’t go their way.

There’s a saying, “Water off a duck’s back.”  This usually pertains to a situation where an individual is criticized, but not affected by it.  Somehow this person is able to let the negativity just roll right off their hypothetical back.  This is rare and often times falsely mentioned.  We are VERY effected by feedback from others and it is near impossible to completely disregard the different colored sound waves that find their way to our acute audible sensors. So let’s not kid ourselves.  We generally DO care what others think about us and both positive AND negative feedback will usually have at least SOME effect on us.  The question isn’t, “How can we ignore certain sound waves?”  But instead, “How can we properly channel the different tones that take aim at us?”  Just like certain martial arts may teach, it is better to go with the force of the attacking blow and use its energy to benefit yourself, than it is to try and fight it, or in many cases, try and ignore it.

How To Stop Letting People Make Or Break Your Life

So you’re like me in that your mindset, motivation and productivity are sometimes dictated by the feedback of the people around you.  You’re sick of working hard to build up momentum, only to be taken out at the knees by a barrage of negativity.

Let’s stop handing over the keys to other people’s opinions and bring stability to our personal perspective of ourselves.

Tip #1:  Determine the usefulness of the negative feedback.

As we all know, just because something is negative doesn’t mean it is wrong and/or can’t be turned into a positive.  When we first receive feedback that threatens to bring us down we need to ask ourselves if there is anything useful we can take from it.  Are we doing something wrong?  Can we learn from this to improve our tomorrow?  If there is merit to the comment and we can learn from it, we should determine the lesson, learn it and then go about our business.  But if it turns out to be a difference of opinion or just negativity for the sake of negativity, we must see it for what it is (someone esle’s problem) and move on.

Tip #2:  Beware of the dangerous Half-Truth

When others attempt to bring us down, they often do so by using the good old half-truth.  They throw in JUST enough truth to get us second guessing ourselves and then naturally becoming defensive.

Think about it.  When you have received negative feedback, was it the completely false statements that effected you most, or those that had a bit of truth sprinkled in with the lies?  When there is some truth involved, we naturally pay attention and often try and pick through the statement to figure out what exactly needs to be done.  We think, “Well, that one part is true and I KIND OF do that thing they pointed out, but the way they spin the idea is completely false.”

The problem with this is that we can find ourselves stuck in a pointless cycle of trying to reason out what may just be a bunch of false information that had no intention of constructively criticizing us.  We spin our wheels attempting to effectively determine a defense, when no defense is needed or even advisable.  This is often a complete waste of time.

So how do we deal with these deceivingly destructive accusations without lowering our standards and losing valuable time?

It’s quite simple, actually.  We just need to look at the ENTIRE statement and not just the individual points.  Let’s say you own a bakery and specialize in blueberry muffins.  One day the owner of the bakery across the street comes in and says,”You sell your muffins for less than I do.  (TRUTH)  From what I can tell, you’ve found a way to get the same ingredients for less than I can get them (TRUTH) and have come up with a way to make your muffins in half the time (TRUTH).  Way to go!  You’ve just brought down the standards of the muffin making industry!”  (FALSE)

OK, so this guy obviously had it in for you from the get go, but he DID lay down a bunch of truths.  Up until the very end, he was describing your actions with great detail.  But he then managed to spin those facts into one final false accusation.  Now you’re thinking, “Is it possible that my actions are wrong in some way?  Should I re-think the way I’m doing things?”

We need to realize that a statement is either true or false.  Their may be some truths and some lies mixed in, but the entire statement is saying something specific, and it is the point that it’s trying to make that is either true or false.  So if we were to look at this competitor’s statement as either true or false, we could clearly see it as false.  But fall into the trap of picking it apart and we only confuse ourselves with conflicting information.

Another trick is to remove the false parts of the statement and then repeat what’s left, but in a positive tone.  Let’s picture an appreciative customer who’s eating one of your delicious blueberry muffins and positively saying the exact statement, minus the last bit of lies.  “You sell your muffins for less than the baker across the street.  From what I can tell, you’ve found a way to get the same ingredients for less than he can get them and have come up with a way to make your muffins in half the time.  Way to go!”  Same statement, minus the lies, with a positive tone.  COMPLETELY different statement!  So remember that it’s often times not the words being said, but the intentions behind them that determine their tone.  If changing the intentions changes the tone, then you’re most likely dealing with a mere opinion and not a fact of any kind.

Tip #3:  Determine WHO you will listen to

As much as that email was hurtful with its malicious message, the author in no way fit the profile of an individual I would ever care to absorb opinion.  It’s absolutely crucial that we know exactly what kind of person we care to mind and therefore what type of individual we will pay NO mind.

For myself, I will always at least hear out family and friends.  This is, for the most part, a given.  But even here we need to be cautious.  Be sure this loved one has proper perspective to be paying you thought.  Even a friend isn’t always going to give good advice.

But what about mere acquaintances or even total strangers?  Some great advice has been given to me by strangers, so their lack of relationship to you should never keep you from learning from their insight.  It then comes down to their values, their mindset when sharing the thought and what they have to gain by your reaction to the comment.

It was obvious to me that the author of this email was not acting from a healthy set of values.  That this individual was not in a good mindset when they typed the hateful words and that the only thing they had to gain from my reaction was a sense of twisted satisfaction that they had knocked me down a notch.  It was obvious to me that this person did NOT hold an opinion that I needed to be mindful of.  And Once I realized this, it made it much easier to disregard them as someone having a bad day and frankly, not my concern.

Tip #4:  Accept your imperfections

We may be fully aware that we are not perfect people, but it can still sting when that imperfection is pointed out by another.  We try so hard to think things through and cover all the bases, but sometimes we drop the ball.  When this occurs and you get some flack for it, lean to take it in stride.  Quite often I find myself over focusing on a pointed out imperfection, trying to determine what went wrong and what I could have done differently.  This in itself can be a good thing, a way to learn from our mistakes, but once we find ourselves feeling discouraged as a result, we need to step back and accept the fact that EVERYONE makes mistakes.  The more comfortable you are with the fact that you’re going to trip up from time to time, the quicker you’ll bounce back when others make your imperfections known.

Tip #5:  Take a breather

The worst thing you can do when dealing with negative feedback is let your pride get involved.  You may want to lash out at someone or stoop down to their level.  This is NEVER a good thing.  You either continue a useless conversation or stoke the flames of a fire that only burns as long as two continue to tango.

Instead of reacting (and quite possibly over-reacting), sleep on it.  Give yourself some time to get away from the situation and even forget about it for a bit.  Let your subconscious chew on it for a while and see what it thinks.  The following day you can re-visit the issue and determine your course of action with a much greater chance of choosing wisely.  You may decide like I did that no response is necessary.  Or that becoming defensive will serve no purpose.  Whichever rout you choose, you’ll be doing so from a level perspective and not an in-the-moment reaction that might very well create more problems than you started out with.

Tip #6:  Build momentum regardless of reaction

Just as much as we should not let negative feedback knock us down, we need to be cautious about how much we rely on the positive to push us forward.  There’s nothing wrong with riding the waves of encouragement, but if this is the foundation we chose to build our future success, we will see our personal development crumble, time and time again.  Our motivation should come from knowing we are moving in the the right direction and that we are unwilling to settle for less than awesome.  We can enjoy the pats on the back when they come, but our identity needs to be formed from a foundation independent of those around us.

Final Thoughts

The bottom line is that as long as we are striving to better our lives as well as those around us, we should never fear the negativity that will inevitably come our way.  Some will be true and some, half-true, but none should make us feel any less capable than before.  Learn to properly filter this feedback and you will always maintain your motivation and proper piece of mind.

Eric

Liz and I went to our second of six birthing classes last night (in preparation for our little boy).  I was reluctant at first, figuring we’d spend the whole time doing that awkward breathing thing, but ever since last weeks initial class, I’ve been enjoying the learning process.  I think all the guys are actually feeling like it’s worthwhile and the women are thinking, “You BET it’s worthwhile!  I’m going to need you to step it up and help me get this baby out of me!”  (At least that’s what Liz says. )

Last night we learned something that really stuck with me.  This is something that seems to apply to all of life.  It was about contractions and the different techniques to getting through them and still sustaining energy until the very end.  We talked about how to time them and determine when the woman will be able to relax and when she will be struggling with the pain.

Then the teacher started pressing on one specific point that she wanted us all to remember and take very seriously.  She explained how there will be a point where ‘mom’ only has between 30 and 60 seconds to relax between the potentially agonizing contractions.  She talked about how we naturally want to sulk about how painful the last contraction was while we have our seconds of reprieve.  How we naturally think, “MAN, that was painful!  I don’t know if I can do that again!  Oh no, here they come again…”

She said that instead of wasting this time complaining about the pain that we just experienced and then worrying about what’s ahead, that we should utilize this precious rest time to focus on our breathing and work on bringing our bodies to a relaxed state once again.  As she further explained, it made perfect sense that if the woman never lets herself experience rest between the contractions, she will be completely exhausted by the time she gets to the crucial pushing stage.

Such is life…

Life is just like this.  There is inevitable pain and suffering wherever we turn.  Our pasts are filled with sorrow and our futures bare the brunt of this broken world, leaving us anxious as we wind around the next bend.  Yet, there is much beauty and many wonderful things to enjoy in our lives.  There are so many opportunities to love those around us, enjoy a sunny day and strive to accomplish great things.  It is an impossible paradox to part from.

The fact is, there will also be times when we will need our strength.  Times when our families are counting on us to pull through.  Our own bodies need us to be strong and fight off the temptations of laziness and self pity.  It is absolutely crucial that we maintain our solid footing as we make our way through the ever changing seasons of our lives.

Relaxing is a skill

I am amazed at how many techniques there are to get our minds and bodies to relax.  Tapping into the power of our senses and utilizing sight, sound, smell, taste, touch and thought, we are able to recharge ourselves to prepare for the coming storm.

5 simple tips to help you relax in the moment:

1. Breathe. Such a simple human habit and yet, if done properly, can quickly bring our blood pressure back down to its optimal state.  Deep breaths in through the nose  and slow, sustained breathes out through the mouth.  Focused, proper breathing techniques are tops on my list of ways to relax.
2. Let go. Often easier said than done, letting go of whatever is bothering us is an essential ability we all need to master.  Whether we’ve been hurt by someone or are just having a bad day, let go of that bad feeling and look ahead.  The past is in the past, but the present and the future have yet to be established.
3. Get out! Get outside and get your blood pumping.  Whether for a light stroll or a vigorous run, just GET OUT!  The change of scenery, fresh air and physical activity will almost always leave you more relaxed and better prepared to take on the stresses of life.
4. Read a good book. I hear this advise less and less and I’m guilty of rarely partaking in its beneficial process, but sitting down and reading a book that will take you away to a different world is a very effective way to fend off the frustrations of life.
5. Outward focus. Sometimes we can get caught up in ourselves to the point of poisoning our perspectives.  We can become obsessed about what we do or don’t have or what did or didn’t happen to us.  Take a break from this.  Focus your attention on someone else and look for opportunities to show that you care.  Sometimes the best way to help ourselves is to help another in need.

All too often we fail to accomplish this most basic state of mind.  Our worries about all things past and future, keep us from relaxing in the present.  If we can master this ability and truly take advantage of our time between bouts of life, we can be assured that it will never be too much.  But let our minds absorb the poison of ‘why’ and ‘what if’ and we will most certainly succumb to the berating blows of our darkest days.

1: Take a nap.

(This assumes that being tired is part of your bad day.  If it’s not, just disregard it.)

The first thing I did was take a nap.  I had just finished breakfast and I was good for nothing.  So I plopped down on the bed and slept for about an hour.  I woke up a little less tired but more than anything I just felt like I had given my mind some time to get itself together.  That set the foundation for my “Bad Day” recovery.

2: Bite your tongue.

For the rest of the morning I was feeling easily frustrated and had a short fuse.  But, in light of my experiment, I put forth the extra effort to just keep calm and try to be pleasant to my wife.  One of the best ways to stay in a rut is to try to pull others down with you.  But if you hang on to their sanity you find will yourself coming up to their level.  And that’s just what happened.  The more I acted like things were going OK the more I felt that way.  Don’t expect to feel great when your struggling through the day.  But make it a goal to be OK with things.  You will find yourself making progress instead of falling into the trap of your own frustration.

3: Do what you had planned to do.

Often times we let a bad day change our plans for us.  We decide that without our regular energy and enthusiasm we would just be wasting our time.  But this is the worst thing you can do.  You may not be as efficient or even as effective as you would be otherwise but you will still get things done.  And you will feel much better at the end of the day.  You will not only know that you made progress on a day that you thought you would not, but you would know that you are not at the mercy of your circumstances.  This can be a great confidence builder.  Then, the next time you hit a bump in the road you will know that you can still make progress on an otherwise wash of a day.

Also, what I found to be a pleasant surprise was the fact that the more I acted like it was a good day the more it felt like one.  As I forced myself to stay on task with my regular plans the less I needed to.

4: Don’t give into temptation.

It is often times on your bad days that you “fall of the wagon”, so to speak, with whatever disciplines you are working on.  So if you are on a certain diet you may be tempted to give into your cravings and binge.  Or if you have been exercising every day you may feel that “today just is not a good day to…”  Don’t listen to this voice in your head.  This is the weak part of your mind trying to take over.  Tell it where it can stick it’s whining self and stick to your guns.  This is SO important.  Once again, at the end of the day you will be glad you didn’t give into your feelings but you instead pushed through it and stayed the course.

5: Stick to your routine.

This might sound redundant but I am particularly referring to those little details that make up your day.  If you eat a certain thing for lunch everyday, make sure to do just that.  If you take your dogs for a walk at a particular time everyday, make sure it happens.  These are the little things in your day that make you feel that everything is going as planned.  And if you change things up just because you are feeling off, you will just make things worse for yourself.  You want to do everything you can to keep your day feeling normal so you can more easily fight any of the negative emotions you may be struggling with.

6: Look forward to a new tomorrow.

Sometimes the only motivation you have on a bad day is the knowledge that it will eventually end.  This is not a bad thing; use it!  Every time you start to feel like you just want to go crash somewhere, can push through it by focusing on the finish line.  Remind yourself that tomorrow is a new day and that this day will be over soon.  It’s like you’re at the end of a long race and getting tired.  You see the finish line and you get a second wind.  You know that if you can just push yourself a little longer you will finish the race in the way you had set out to.

7: Get a good night’s sleep

I know this is a given but it’s still important to point out none the less.  When your normal bed time approaches, get ready for bed and do some reading.  Find a book that is light and easy.  I like reading Calvin and Hobbes comic strips.  They carry no tension or stress and take me away from my situation for a few minutes.  Now it’s just a matter of getting to bed on time.  Hopefully, you’ll wake up the next day refreshed and ready to go.  But either way, you will have proved to yourself that you can not only survive a bad day but make progress as well.