By far the most popular post I’ve ever written on this blog and the one that seems to deeply connect with the most people is:

Is People Pleasing Keeping You From Pleasing The Right People?

In this post I lay out some of the key signs of being a people pleaser and then offer some tips to help overcome this terrible and self destructive personality trait.

What I found interesting, though, was just how many people could clearly associate with being a people pleaser.  If you read through some of the comments you’ll see that many had no problem laying out their life story knowing that they were among fellow pleasing addicts.  And those who really got the message had a tone of relief as if a heavy burden had been lifted from their shoulders.

Since writing that post I’ve spoken with many readers about the topic and I’ve come to realize that this is not only a common issue for many, but that the end result is a certain faded version of the individual.  Just like pouring water into a glass of fine wine, those who are actively living out their people pleasing personality are quickly diluting their very existence.

In the above mentioned blog post I painted my thoughts on the subject using a broad brush.  With this post, however, I would like to refine my focus.  So let’s talk about making decisions…

Never Fear Making A Bad Decision, Only Fear Others Making Decisions For You

As a people pleaser it’s easy to give decision making control over to others.  Not only are we often suffering from some form of low self-esteem, but our desire to do what we think others want us to do is often stronger then that of taking control of our lives.  The problem with this unhealthy habit is that we are diluting our decision making data.

When we truly make our own decisions we are able to gather useful information based on the outcome.  Regardless of whether the decision was right or wrong the information provided by the result will prove equally useful for better decision making in the future.  If a child decides to touch a hot stove and gets burned they will have learned just as much as if they touched cold water to sooth their skin.

This is the natural way that our brains use our senses (including our 6th sense…those gut feelings we have) to learn how to improve our way of life.  From learning what not to touch so we don’t get burned to better understanding our sense of others.  The problem with people pleasing is that it disrupts this process and dilutes the information our brains are trying to absorb.

The reason people pleasing is so destructive to this data is because the results observed when letting others decide your direction is tainted.  Even if you encounter a positive outcome from a people pleasing based decision you will find no use for that data because it tells you nothing about how your own decision would have turned out.  In other words, it’s better to make a bad decision then to let someone else make a good decision for you.  In the short run you may be better off with the latter, but down the road your ability to make your own good choices will atrophy as a result.

Resentment Is Often The Result Of Allowing Others To Direct Your Decisions

When we make a bad decision it can sting for a bit but in the end we live an learn.  But when we make a bad decision and we know that this decision was not the one we wanted to make from the start, we can be devastated.

The saying goes, “You’ve made your bed and now you have to lay in it.”  Yet as people pleasers we are constantly laying in a bed made by those around us.  Considering the mess of decisions based on who knows how many personalities and agendas, we find ourselves frustrated that our own less than ideal situation is the result of other peoples mistakes.  Resentment, no doubt, ensues.

The problem is that we have no one to blame but ourselves.  Because the one choice that we people pleasers always seem to make on our own is to hand over the keys to our own lives.

You Are No Longer You

As time goes on the active people pleaser will become less and less like the unique individual they had come into this world to be.  Just like that water polluted glass of wine, the people pleaser has been so diluted by the people around them that they lose their distinct taste.  So afraid of being disliked or disagreeable they end up being left with little personality.  And let me tell you, it’s better to be loved by some and hated by others then to only be liked by all.  Some may love wine and hate beer or love beer and hate wine, but no one likes a watered down version of either.

The First Steps

There’s nothing more freeing then finally making your own decisions, but the first step is giving yourself permission.

As a people pleaser I know first hand how hard it is to let myself grab the wheel and push everyone else into the back seat.  We feel guilty for even considering such a thing, but how crazy is that?!  This is our life and we are the ones who have to walk in our shoes or lay in the bed we’ve made.  So the idea that we should have any form of guilt for taking charge of our lives and finally directing our future is insane!  So stop listening to that little people pleasing voice and start making your own decisions, finally gathering that ever important data.

You’ve Got To Walk Before You Can Run

If you’re like me you’ve been trying to please the world around you for decades.  As a result we find our 6th sense to be immature at best.  Once we decide to break free from our people pleasing ways we may find the road ahead to be a bit bumpy at first.  Going too far in one direction and then not far enough, we have to be patient as we feel out our new dedication to making our own decisions and in time we’ll greatly improve the accuracy of our intuition.

Never Let Fear Dictate Your Decisions

If you’re a people pleaser then you will no doubt relate to this scenario.  You’re faced with a tough decision, one which will directly effect others.  Your first thought is a clear take on what direction you should go.  Yet moments later your judgment is clouded by the fear of what if.  What if so and so did such and such when I decide to do this or that?  We try and play out the scenario in our minds to find the path of least resistance.  But the bottom line is that the only path should be the one you feel is best.  And the moment you stop letting your fear of the unknown outcome dictate your decisions is the moment you will be free to live your life like a glass of fine wine, providing a distinct flavor to the world around you.

So stop trying to please and start learning to live your best life possible!

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a guest post by Glen Allsopp of PluginID.

Do you feel like there are a million and one things you want to do but you just don’t have the time? Do you find it difficult to organize life around the things you must do and the things you wish you could do?

If you answered yes to either of those questions then you’re in luck, because today I want to cover the topic of life balance. If you feel like you need more hours in the day or that you’re neglecting certain areas of your life then hopefully this guide will help you to rectify the situation.

Knowing what to work on and when to do it is a problem for a lot of people; after-all, there are so many areas of our lives that we can work on, how do you know where to start?

Without being too egotistical, my own story profiles an example of success in this area. When I was 17 I was literally working 7 days per week: 5 in college and 16 hours in a clothes store on the weekends. Yet, in that time, I was able to build and grow my own Internet business which now accounts for my full-time income. In fact, it supports me so well that I’m about to start traveling the globe based on the income that business provides for me.

If I can work on my passions, my health and other areas of life that are important to me while literally working 7 days per week then so can you…and I’m going to share exactly how.

Pick Areas of Your Life That Matter

Life balance is all about focusing on areas of your life that matter to you and having an adequate amount of time to be able to work on them. After-all, if certain things didn’t matter to you then you wouldn’t care if you got round to working on them or not.

Some aspects of life that you find important and require some of your attention may include:

• Health
• Relationships
• Personality
• Happiness
• Parenting
• Family Activities
• Finances
• Hobbies / Interests…

…the list goes on. Working on your finances could mean that you want to work on getting out of debt by budgeting or even be that you’re looking for ways to increase your income. Hobbies and interests could include building your skills at a certain sport or even something more practical like learning a new language.

It is important that you now take the time to identify areas of your life that really matter to you. I find that I’m far better at tasks like this when I use a pen and paper rather than a word processor on my computer.

The items in bold are the areas that I had chosen to work on for my schedule but everyone’s answers will be different. Once you have your list together, you’re ready for the next part.

Add Details to Each on How You Can Improve

It is quite ironic but it is often the case that we stress and worry about areas of our lives and let them consume our thoughts. Then, when our situation isn’t improving by its own accord we get even more stressful and anxious. Instead, wouldn’t it be much easier if we just set out a plan on how to improve each area of our life and then started taking action?

Now that you have a list of life areas that matter to you, jot down some points on how you think you could improve them or fit them into your schedule. For example, an area of my life that is important to me is my health and I knew I wanted to work on improving that. So, I would write down a few bullet points on how I can do just that:

• Go to the Gym 3x per week
• Take 2 Protein Shakes per day (I’m on a bulk)
• Try to eat healthy, regularly

That’s it; don’t make things complicated if they don’t need to be. If you want to work on a new language then write down how much time you would need to set aside to get to the level you want to reach. If you want to improve your relationship then list things you would like to do to work on that whether it is going out for a meal or setting aside time with your partner to discuss your issues.

Not every item is going to have some guaranteed time frame or task you need to do in order to solve it and not every item is going to have a recurring task. For instance, if you need to get out of debt, simply put down that you need to set aside time to work out where you could lower your spending and research increasing your income.

Fit Items into a Flexible Schedule

Depending on who you are and what matters to you in life you may have in front of you a huge list of items or a rather short list. There are 24 hours in a day and of course 7 days in a week, so this is the time frame that you are going to be working in. I think it is far better to work on a weekly schedule rather than a monthly schedule, and then add in extra items that aren’t recurring tasks or ideas afterwords.

Take my workouts for example; I work out three times per week and I know each session takes around one hour – therefore this must go into a weekly schedule of mine. I don’t work a regular job so I’m quite fortunate that I can literally do this any time of day. However, if you work 9-5 then you must set- aside time to do this either before you go to work (wake up sooner) or after work (get home later).

If this already sounds daunting to you then consider how much you really want to get your life in order and work on the things that matter to you.

Add all of the items on your list which have some kind of recurring task whether it is going to the gym or spending 2 hours learning French into a flexible schedule.

Put all my items into a schedule and my weekly plan would look something like this:

• Monday: Workout arms
• Tuesday:
• Wednesday: Workout legs, Public speaking club
• Thursday:
• Friday: Workout chest
• Saturday: Spend time with my family
• Sunday: Plan my week ahead, Check website stats

Note how basic and simple this all seems right now. The parts where I haven’t scheduled my time is where I will be working which is basically non-negotiable, it’s how I survive. So even if I have a 9-5 job Monday to Friday, I know that on Monday, Wednesday and Friday I need to work out. I also know not to make plans for a Wednesday night because I go to a public speaking club.

Don’t feel like you need to put the obvious tasks in there like eat breakfast, go to work, wash the dishes and that kind of thing. Instead, make sure the items on your list are extras; or in other words, the things you would not normally do.

The reason it is important to keep this schedule flexible is because life will never be the same week after week. If something comes up on a Monday or I sleep in and miss my workout, then I can push all workout days back one day and catch up that way. If you find that your list has tons of items with lots of details and you can’t fit it all in, it’s probably time to prioritize.

If you are looking for something more serious and scheduled with exact details then I recommending checking out ToDoist which I use daily and would probably struggle without.

Come Up with ‘Mini-ideas’ for Other Areas of Your Life

Some of the things we would like to work on don’t necessarily need scheduled or recurring tasks to keep them in order. For example, if you like gardening, it’s not like you will have to do the same thing week after week to keep your garden looking nice. Instead, you could dedicate a few weekends to getting things how you like them, and spend a few hours per month keeping things in order.

Additionally, for your health, instead of doing a regular program like going to the gym, you could try a one-month detox where you only eat raw food and drink water. This will have amazing benefits for you and for only 30 days per year, it’s not exactly excruciating.

If you look at the first section of this post I bolded the word ‘personality’ as an area of my life that I would like to work on. By personality I mean my behaviours, characteristics and my values. I’m a big reader and I came across the idea of a 21-day challenge in the book Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. Therefore I decided to create a 21-day challenge for myself and it turned out to be an excellent mini-idea that I could use, and it also benefited thousands of my blog readers when I wrote about it.

Your imagination is your only limit when it comes to creating mini-ideas for areas of your life that don’t require schedules. You could spend a few weeks in another country to improve your language skills, take a Friday off work and enjoy a long weekend with relatives or even just buy a cook book and spend time to learn some new recipes.

If you can’t come up with any mini ideas then you could do some brainstorming online or re-evaluate how important this item really is to you.

Identify Time Wasters

As I’ve stated, there are going to be people with a list and plan far greater than mine. This is partly because my responsibilities are quite small and I’ve managed to turn my hobby into my income source over the last few years. For those of you who are struggling to see where certain things you want to improve are going to fit into your life, it’s a good idea to identify time-wasters.

Did you know that the average American by the age of 60 years old has spent over 10 years in front of the TV? 10 years looking at a screen that is probably most often showing the lives of fictional people. Remember that there are 24 hours in every day. Let’s say that your job takes up 9 of those and your sleep takes up 8. That is still 7 hours of free time that you have available; quite a lot if you think about it.

Even if you include making food, looking after your kids, getting up in the mornings to get washed and dressed then there are still a good 3-4 hours to work with every single day. Even if you have a 9-5 job and want to get all areas of your life in order, you still have plenty of time to do it…as long as you rid yourself of the timewasters.

Possible time wasters include:

• Procrastinating on jobs you are doing
• Waking up at the last possible minute, even though you’ve had enough sleep
• Browsing the internet for no real reason
• Gaming on your computer
• Watching the TV

Everyone reading this leads different lives, so it’s up to you to make an honest self-assessment and look at the possible time wasters in your life and eliminate those where necessary. Remember I managed to build the majority of my internet business today while working 7 days per week. I didn’t even have weekends to give me a solid run of directed effort, just a few hours here and there.

Even if you only find 3 hours in a week day, that could still be an hour for the gym, an hour working on building an internet income and some time devoted to your children are partner. Things can be simple if you let them be so.

Balance Will Only Make You Efficient, Not Happy

Balancing all areas of your life is an excellent idea for people who feel they may be neglecting things or even people. Taking the action steps in this post will also be great for people who have goals but need to make time for them in their otherwise busy schedule. However, if you are looking for life balance to make you happy, then I’m sorry to say that you’re searching in the wrong field.

I’m sure some of you are instantly thinking something along the lines of:

“If I get to quit my day job then I’ll be happy”, “If I get to work on my goals then I’ll always be smiling”

How do I know? Because I’ve been down the exact same path. It used to take me about an hour to get home from my job each day, most of it on foot. I kept saying to myself how amazing it would be to get to work on my projects full-time and how perfect life would be if that were the case.

Well, I’m now in that situation, and while I fully appreciate my opportunities, it’s not where my happiness comes from. True happiness comes from being here, in this moment, right now. Look around you, take everything in. The sounds, the smells, the energy of the environment and just everything you can sense. Stop resisting everything around you, even if the smells are bad and the energy is dull…so what. Feel your inner body and just let everything be. Everything right now is as it is, and it always will be that way.

Don’t wait for happiness to come to you, recognize it in your surroundings and inner-energy at any moment of time.

Be grateful for the fact that somewhere in this world you’re able to sit down, relax, and read an article on a subject that wants to help you transform your life. Are you going to be the kind of person that takes action, or are you going to sit back and watch the script of your life unfold like it will for those who view the past as something they regret.

It is up to you.

This is a guest post written by Glen from PluginID who writes on the subject of Personal Development. He writes on a variety of topics including personality development.

Let me just start by saying that I’m one of the biggest people pleasers out there.  Show me a possible moment of displeasure and I’ll jump in and fill the need as fast as I can in hopes of both harmony among those involved as well as positive feelings toward little old me.  I’m not a saint by any stretch, I just have the disease to please.

In the long run, we’re pleasing nobody.

One of the great misconceptions among people pleasers is this idea that we’re ‘good people’ who are just trying to make everybody happy.  As I stated before, it’s not so much our great concern for another human being, but our obsession with the way others may perceive us.  As a result, we tend to say yes to everything and rarely stick up for ourselves.  Even if someone blatantly wrongs us, we are usually the ones who absorb the hurt and then stand in the corner, fuming to ourselves.  It’s not a pretty site.

The fact is, when we try to please everybody, we end up pleasing nobody.  Tired from the burnout that comes from the over extension of ourselves and frustrated by the fact that we keep letting others take advantage of us, we quickly become ineffective in helping others and often times end up resenting everyone around us. Then, when we finally run into a situation where our help is truly needed, we are too depleted to help out.  Also, our ability to decipher a real need from that of someone trying to take advantage of our people pleasing nature, is quite skewed.  In our minds, every ‘need’ is a requirement for us to act and in time, this wears us down to worthlessness.

Huh?

To some, this may sound a little off beat.  Maybe you’re wondering, “What’s your point and where are you going with this?”  The fact is, if you are a people pleaser, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.  If not, then this won’t make much sense and might not even be worth your time.  Today I’m speaking to the people pleasers in hopes that I can help some of you break free from this awful addiction and start living your life more effectively and with a freedom you never thought possible.

A Brief History

I’ve always been the easy going type.  Easy to get along with and an all around positive person.  In many conversations I’d be the first to encourage others or just be plain agreeable.  If someone was down, I was there to help pick them up.  I just couldn’t stand to see others in any sort of pain.

I figured I was a pretty darn good person.  Compared to many around me, I stood out as the peace maker.  But soon it became apparent that much of my good nature stemmed from the fact that I couldn’t stand to not be pleasing to others.  My sensor for acceptance was way out of wack as I perceived a neutral stance as negativity toward me.  Though I genuinely wanted to see others happy, I had to come to terms with the fact that much of this desire was selfish in nature.

As I grew into the real world and began my computer consulting business, I quickly realized the devastating effects that people pleasing had when carried beyond adolescence.  I could barely handle the slightest bit of negativity from a client and often times became their doormat, as I’d let them walk all over me.  In the name of neutrality, I would do most anything.  I was a slave to my fear and the need to be liked.

As the years went by, I began to realize my need to break free from this bad habit.  Not only was I unable to grow a healthy business as a practicing people pleaser, but by letting myself get beat up by the world around me, I would come home each day in a state of despair.  Liz and I would talk and it would quickly become apparent that I had once again fallen prey to my people pleasing mentality.  She would encourage me to stop saying yes to everything and start standing up for myself.  I would then feel rejuvenated and ready to break free from my personal bondage.  Yet, within days and sometimes even hours, it became quite apparent that nothing had changed.

Finding a fear that is greater than that of rejection.

When breaking any kind of habit or addiction, it is imperative to find the source of the problem and then counteract it with its opposite and hopefully stronger sibling. For me, the fear of rejection was the source of my addiction.  But recently I’ve come to fear a much greater element of life; failure.  OK, let’s step back for a second.  When I say fear of failure, I’m speaking of the healthy kind of fear.  We could even rephrase the word fear with ‘healthy respect’.  My fear of rejection was the kind of fear that kept me up at night, while my new found respect for failure is the kind that motivates the heck out of me.  There’s a BIG difference here.

I’m not saying that I am no longer a people pleaser.  Far from it!  Just like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, recovering as they may be, I’m am just a recovering people pleaser.  I still struggle with my fear of rejection and often find myself seeking to please others for the sake of feeding my need to be liked, but as my fear/respect for failure grows in strength, my focus is less likely to allow capture from this awful addiction.

What does failure have to do with people pleasing?

So I now fear failure.  Why?  Well, much of my frustration in life has been the result of this disease.  I’ll go against every instinct in my body to please another human being and then pull my hair out in dismay when the result is the complete opposite of forward progress.  It’s one thing to fail because you made a mistake, but when you miss out on opportunity because you were too busy trying to make things right with the world, you find a frustration that is not easily matched.  Once this healthy respect for forward progress made its way into my mind, I started seeing the hold that people pleasing had on me, weaken and wither.

Losing Your Flavor

As individuals, we all have our own personal flavor.  Some are sweet, some salty and others plain bitter.  But as a people pleaser, because of our skill of going with the flow at all costs, we lose our flavor all together.  We try to blend with every personality we come in contact with and as a result our own personality fades.  What makes you, YOU, is your own blend of Yes’s and No’s.  It’s our beliefs and values and preferences that give us our spice.  Lose this and you lose yourself in the process.  Before long, you end up forgetting what you’re all about.  This can be a scary realization and one that should be harnessed to help push us out of our people pleasing ways.

Losing Proper Perception

Another thing we lose when blending in with the world around us is our ability to properly perceive a healthy need from a selfish desire.  Just like children, adults need to be told no from time to time.  If everyone got their way 100% of the time we’d be one messed up society (at least more messed up than we already are).  So it’s our job as an individual to stand up for what we believe is right.  If someone needs assistance and we can accurately determine the need to be sincere, it is our job to address that need if at all possible.  Not necessarily to say yes every time (just because YOU are asked for help doesn’t mean that YOU are the one to help out), but to remain open to the assistance of others.  But if someone selfishly requests our attention, it is equally imperative that we say no.  The more we let others walk all over us, the less clarity we will have as we try and assess the needs around us.  And there’s nothing worse than not being able to address a real need because our time is being consumed by our inability to say no to the squeaky wheels that surround us.

Signs of a People Pleaser

• Someone who says yes, even when their mind says no.
• Someone who is devastated when they think someone doesn’t like them.
• Someone who would rather feel personal pain than displease another.
• Someone who cringes at the first sign of friction.
• Someone who is willing to fail in the name of pleasing another.
• Someone who has lost their own sense of unique personality and belief.
• Someone who is not willing to speak up for themselves.
• Someone who loses sleep over the slightest altercation with another.
• Someone who feels out of control when they think another human being may disagree with what they’re doing.
• Someone who starts to see their desire to please others as a separate part of themselves.  Separate from the rest of who they are as an individual.

Tips to break free from the shackles of people pleasing.

1. Find a greater fear: As I stated earlier, the best way to overcome people pleasing is to “…find the source of the problem and then counteract it with its opposite and hopefully stronger sibling.”  What is people pleasing keeping you from doing or being?  Figure this out and then use that knowledge to find a stronger source of fear to feed on.  As I mentioned earlier, this latter kind of fear should be the healthy kind.  A respect that keeps us motivated.
2. Stop saying yes until you can accurately separate the real need from the non-essential: After years of putting our YES reaction on autopilot, we may find it hard to determine the validity of the incoming requests.  The only way I know to bring this barometer back to a balanced state is to go through a time of constant No’s.  After a while it will become more clear when you are turning down a non-essential request and when a real need is not being addressed.  During this process, be sure to remind yourself that even those valid needs that you are turning down will be addressed by another.  Which leads me to my next tip…
3. Let go of your need to control: Believe it or not, one of the strong characteristics of a people pleaser is the need to control EVERYTHING.  If anything, our pleasing ways are nothing more than a subtle manipulation to retain control of the situation.  We are trying to control what others think of us and how they act toward us.  This leads us to feel that we are also responsible for every need that comes our way.  I truly believe that each individual was made to assist others in specific ways.  Therefore, it is impossible that we should take on each request that comes our way.  Even those that are truly sincere and equally valid, are not necessarily the needs we are supposed to address.  Over time, as we begin to see clearly once again, we will be able to accurately address those needs that are specific to our nature.  The rest we will redirect elsewhere, confident that they were not meant for our attention.  So let go of this idea that you can/will/should take on the troubles of the world and let go of this control that you think you have.
4. Stop placing your peace of mind in the hands of others: I love it when I get in a flow of positive productivity.  I’m knocking out task after task and I feel like I can take on anything.  Then, all of a sudden, I have a conflict with another.  Maybe they sent me a nasty email or maybe it was a phone call, but somehow I was given notice that they were not pleased with me.  My world shrinks and my drive dwindles into nothingness.  Out the windows goes my productivity as I place everything on hold to sulk at the situation.  I lose sleep, my appetite and my clarity of thought.  Only recently have I clearly seen the insanity of this silliness.  Why am I placing my own peace of mind and future progress, in the hands of someone who may have just been having a bad day?  This has got to stop and I/you are the only ones who can make this happen!
5. Fill your desire to please with healthy opportunities to help others: One of the wonderful characteristics of the people pleaser is their honest desire to help others.  Yes, we can be manipulative bastards, no doubt, but we truly DO want to help.  The problem is that when we are ‘practicing people pleasers’ we are unhealthily distributing our assistance.  This just keeps us unclear of the real needs around us and frustrated as we try to help.  Instead of this madness, try to proactively address the needs that you see as necessary.  Enjoy these moments and let them feed on your desire to help.  Over time, this desire to care for another will be less out of control and you will find it MUCH easier to say no when no is the necessary word.
6. Once again, PROACTIVE assistance: I just mentioned the word proactive in the previous tip.  This is CRUCIAL!  As people pleasers, we are so overwhelmed as we take on every request of assistance that comes our way, that we have no time or energy to address the issues that WE see as fit for our attention.  Think about how CRAZY this is!  What we are essentially doing is assuming that everyone else’s idea of our time well spent is more accurate that our own.  We need to figure out for ourselves what needs we should be addressing and then go out and address them.  Stop waiting for the world to dictate your attention and start attending to the needs you were meant to address.

Final Thoughts

I’m only just starting to break free from this debilitating disease.  I have a long way to go and though I’m starting to feel the taste of real freedom, I remain partially captive to this struggle.  This is MY attempt to proactively help others by hopefully sharing thoughts that are helpful in their journey to regain their personal freedom.  If you are someone who struggles with any of the things mentioned above, by all means, share your thoughts in the comments and feel free to shoot me an email if that seems applicable.

Eric

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a guest post from Jeremy Day of Insight Writer.

The days of us personal development bloggers talking about life balance almost seem to be over.

We used to talk about it so much. Yet it seems that the subject of life balance has gone more or less quiet in most circles.

What gives?

I think people are a bit jaded with the idea of balancing it all. Many people try it and fail. Or do it, but it seems to only last for a short time.

I have another idea. How about we look at just staying in our sweet spot?

Forget About Perfection

I don’t know about you, but I have this need to reach perfection in many areas of my life. At the very least, I lead a life focused on a relentless pursuit of improving myself.

This is all well and good. This pursuit has brought me a long way. However, I have to remind myself that perfection is unattainable. It is a myth and a legend. No one is perfect at all.

Embrace Your Reality

Therefore, we need to embrace our reality. And this means embracing ourselves with all our flaws and ugliness.

It means accepting the fact that you can’t please everyone.

It means some people will love you and some people just might hate you.

It means your actions will make people happy, it will make them sad, it will make them angry, and everything else you can think of.

Stop beating yourself up over the fact that you can’t please everyone.

People will try to manipulate you into doing things you wouldn’t otherwise do. Don’t listen to them.

People will change you for the better through their caring about you. By being unselfish. Watch out for selfish people with seemingly good motives. They can be the worst kind.

Again, accept yourself as you are. Not everyone will love you, but not everyone will hate you either. People tend to love people who are authentic anyway.

Be Content with Contentment

We talk about contentment, but we don’t really want it. We always want more. It seems to be part of the human condition.

Even when we say we are content we often have thoughts in our minds of more.

More love, more power, more money, more toys, more friends, more of everything you can imagine.

When will we ever learn to just be content with contentment?

It’s really OK to be content. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone! You don’t have to prove that you are better or can get more.

You see the human condition really is about improving our own self worth. If we can achieve more and receive more, of whatever it is, we feel better about ourselves.

Yet there is a sweet spot…

Remember what is most important

Feeling good about ourselves is important, but not most important.

Getting what you want out of life is important, but not most important.

Having things that make you happy and help you enjoy life better is important, but not most important.

What is most important are the people in our lives.

Our family, our friends, our neighbors, our customers, our co-workers, our community. That is what is most important.

To live in your sweet spot forget about perfection. All people are imperfect and yet a lot of good still comes out of this imperfect people.

To live in your sweet spot embrace your reality. If you are made to be a carpenter, be a carpenter. No use wishing you were the shoe maker. Remember that your reality also includes the people that fate brings into your life. Embrace those circumstances as well.

To live in your sweet spot be content with contentment. Its OK to be content with what you have. Enjoy it while it lasts.

To live in your sweet spot remember what’s most important. Take the time you need to spend it with the ones you care about most. If you can do that one thing, you will be living a pretty sweet life…

Jeremy Day writes about personal development, finance, and health @ Insight Writer. Check out his website and subscribe to his RSS feed. You won’t be disappointed!

One of the common topics of the Internet is ‘how to be happy’.  And one of the keys to a happy life is a healthy heart.

But I want to do something a little different today.  I want YOU to fill in the blanks. I’ve laid out the framework for some of the key signs of a healthy heart and I want you guys to share your insight on the subject.  Try to pick one that hasn’t been been commented on or, if they all have, one that has had the least attention.

This is an opportunity for you to give us a little insight from your own perspective.

And if you like what someone says, be sure to check out their blog so you can read more of their offerings!

1: Generosity

2: Enthusiasm

3: Optimism

4: Vision

5: Drive

6: Clarity

7: Perception

8: Empathy/Understanding

9: Patience

10: Love

This will be the last post until Monday, so take your time and pick something that you really connect with.

Important update:

Be sure to ‘tune-in’ on Monday for Week2 of Motivate2ACTION! (Theme: Exercise).  I have a little surprise for my awesome readers that I don’t want you to miss out on!

Riding the roller coaster of extremes

It is very easy for us to end up going back and forth between both concepts.  One day you find yourself passionately motivated to attack your goals and you think to yourself, “This is the way to live your life.  I WILL reach my goals and it will be because of my constant drive for success.”  Over time, you may become tired and suffer from a loss of that passion that once fueled your drive.  Then you remember those who kept saying, “Live for now and stop chasing after your dreams.  Simplify your life and appreciate what you already have.”

At this point, these words are like a mother’s embrace.  You feel the comfort rushing in as you finally give yourself permission to stop chasing and start enjoying right now.  You’re content!

Oh wait, you have to get up tomorrow and go to that job that you really don’t like.  You asked off, but your boss refused to allow it.  You had been working on some business ideas to try and gain some freedom from your current work situation.  You’re trying to live in the moment, but once you get home from a long day at work the only thing you want to do ‘in the moment’ is sit and watch TV.  It feels like you’re doomed either way.

The fact of the matter is, most people need to push themselves, at least some of the time, so that they may be able to make those positive life upgrades.  It is a rare occurrence for someone to just fall into their ideal lifestyle.  You have to work for it.  But on the flip side, we all too often find ourselves consumed by our destination and end up missing out on the journey.

I find myself going back and forth between these two extremes.  You have the ‘always on the go’ business man on the one hand and the guy camping out on the beach on the other.  Both of these philosophies have their place, but finding the right balance between the two is the challenge.

Learn to clock out

The best thing I have found to allow for the pursuit of positive changes along with the enjoyment of my current situation is to CLOCK OUT. One of the things that I actually miss about working a J-O-B is the ability to clock out at the end of the day.  Once that was accomplished I was DONE.  I was completely free from the responsibility and pressures of my job and could go home, relax and enjoy myself.

But with your own business or if you are just working toward future goals, it is easy to never let yourself be ‘off the clock’.  Over time you start to burn out.  Your passion dissolves and you lose your effectiveness.  It’s like the saying goes, “All sun and no rain make a desert.”

I think one of the things that makes it hard for some of us to enjoy the moment, is the worry that we are missing out on some opportunity.  That maybe, in those brief moments of letting our guard down, we will miss our chance for success.  But the bottom line is that there will always be more that we ‘could have done’ so it is a waste of time to worry about what we didn’t do.  As long as we are passionately pursuing our goals when we are ‘on the clock’ we can let ourselves go after we clock out and just BE!  And the great thing is, when we clock back in we will find ourselves to be more refreshed, focused and effective as we pick up the pace once again.

Which end of the spectrum are you on?

Do you find yourself struggling to slow down?  Do you feel you are missing out on opportunities as you ‘take it easy’?  Or have you found ways to sustain the balance needed to stop and smell the roses while you passionately pursue your goals?

“Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life – learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.” ~ Robet Fulghum

But first, let’s take a look at the definition of Persisting:

According to dictionary.com Persisting means…

1: To be obstinately repetitious, insistent, or tenacious.

2: To hold firmly and steadfastly to a purpose, state, or undertaking despite obstacles, warnings, or setbacks.

I thought these two definitions were very interesting.  The first one is representative of persistence in it’s purest form.  Here we see plain and simple tenacity.  But if we were to leave it in that pure form without adding some key ingredients it may turn into a ‘bull in a china shop’ scenario.  All power with no control or direction.  In comes definition number 2. Here we see the idea of holing to a ‘purpose, state, or undertaking despite obstacles, warning, or setbacks.’  This one gives a little more direction.  It’s not just being insistent to be insistent.  Here we are talking about being insistent for a purpose.  And it is this that I want to expand on throughout this post.

How the Pros become Pros

In a previous post I introduced a book I was reading called “Life Is Not A Game Of Perfect”.  It is an inspiring motivational book written by Dr. Bob Rotella.  As a sports psychologist he talks a lot about the different traits he sees in the professional athletes he works/associates with.  One such individual is Tom Kite.  Tom is a professional golfer who has a quite an impressive career including a win, in 1992, at the U.S. Open.

In the book, Rotella talks about how, as a young boy, Tom used to dream about being a professional golfer and how he pursued that dream quite persistently.  But this dream didn’t come easily.  As Rotella puts it,

“Tom held on to his dream in the face of people who told him he was too small, too nearsighted, and not talented enough.”

He held onto that dream through more than twenty years of disappointments in the majors.  He held on to it after he hit a ball into the water to lose his lead in the fourth round of the 1989 U.S. Open.  He held on to it through hours and days and years of practicing under the hot Texas sun, rebuilding his swing so that he would not again hit such a shot under pressure.

And, finally, he won the U.S. Open in 1992.”

According to Rotella, it is this persistence that allows us to eventually reach our dreams.  He says, “A dream without a commitment is just a fantasy.”  But persistence alone is not enough.

The definition of insanity

You know what they say, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  All too often, people treat their persistence this way.  In pursuing their dreams, they try the same thing over and over again and expect the outcome to one day change from a negative to a positive.  But the fact of the matter is, if it’s not working for you, doing it ten more times won’t make a difference.  This point was made very effectively in a post I found over at dime-co.com called ‘The Truth About Persistence And Success’ by Royane Real.

The basic point of the article is the fact that motivational speakers/writers always talk about the importance of persistence in our success, but tend to leave out the need for constant adjustment and re-assessment.  As Real puts it,

“They forget to tell you that before they were persistent, they had a goal, and they had a plan on how to get there.

And all along the way, after every step they took, they stepped back to evaluate the results to see if the results they were getting were the results they wanted. And if they weren’t getting the results they wanted, then they would change the steps they took.

These successful people did have persistence, but they were only persistent about holding on to their vision.

They were never persistent about the method they took to get to their goal.

All along the way, they were prepared to be very flexible and experiment to see what techniques and strategies worked best to get where they wanted to go.”

The yin and yang of persistence

If you read the entire chapter by Rotella and the entire post by Real you will see that they are both talking about the same things but from different perspectives.  But I think to pull out these excerpts we are able to see two very important aspects of this valuable trait.  In it’s pure form you have something that just won’t quit.  A focus and drive that is not going to let obstacles keep it from reaching it’s destination.  And yet on the other hand you have a key ingredient that allows for this tenacity to actually HAVE it’s positive out come.

So to reach your goals and realize your dreams you need persistence to keeps your wheels spinning, but it’s flexibility and constant analysis that will take you where you want to go.

“Success is almost totally dependent upon drive and persistence.  The extra energy required to make another effort or try another approach is the secret of winning.” ~Denis Waitley

“Never let your persistence and passion turn into stubbornness and ignorance.” ~Anthony J. D’Angelo

Where do you see yourself in all of this?

Do you struggle to keep your wheels spinning?  Or do you keep pushing forward, but find yourself too rigid to make the necessary adjustments on the fly?  Or have you found the perfect balance of drive and adjustment that have led to great success in life?  And if so, what have you found that works for you?