67 Responses to “How To Deal With Negative Feedback”

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  1. Great thoughts Eric…. it’s tough to ignore or not be overcome with the negative. It feels like a single negative can outway 5 or 6 positive comments if we let it.

    We need to be confident in our selves and take all feedback with a grain of salt… and we need to own our responses to that feedback and not allow it to sway us too far in either direction.

    Good stuff Eric, thanks for sharing.
    Dave

    Do You Dave Ramsey?’s last blog post..Debt is Squalor

  2. Very true Dave! We can receive positive feedback left and right, but all it takes sometimes is on negative comment to make us feel like we’ve messed up or worthless. As you said, balance is key.

    Glad you enjoyed it! Eric

  3. This is wonderful! I can so relate to this. The other day I had poured my heart out in a blog post. I shared that post with other members in a community I belong to. One of the public responses was something to the effect of ‘ WOW -that was way to deep and negative- let’s take a humor break’ I admit it stung, especially since it was a subject that I had been holding on to for a long time and was hesitant about sharing it because it was very personal (and not exactly cheery but I felt others could learn from it) Later on that day I returned to the community to read others posts. I ran across a blog post from the same respondent that left her message on my post- she wrote a very personal post about how she reacts with humor when she feels people are getting to close. I realized that even though she made a joke that I may have effected her in some deep way! I realize that a lot of times when people say things to you that you perceive as negative they are often operating from a place of ignorance and have their own reasons for leaving their reactions- they are deeply effected for whatever reason and they want to pass that on. I learned to forgive and try to see where they are coming from and why.

    Angie’s last blog post..Are you sabotaging your children’s future?

  4. Hey Angie, I really appreciate this. You certainly had a close encounter with the same kind of negativity that we’ve all faced at one time or another. It sounds like you handled it well and learned form the experience. You can’t ask for more that that! :-) Thanks for sharing. Eric

  5. Annette

    May I offer a different spin on this ?

    Instead of “running away” and deleting the email without answering, which is a form of denial in a way, you could turn the table back on the person who sent those unkind negative emails. You can answer them in a totally non defensive way by asking them to explain their thoughts and anger. This demonstrates that you have read the correspondence, that you have thought calmly about what they had to say, but the content had not upset you, instead you were more concerned about their line of thoughts and negative energy.

    This shows you are more a mature and bigger person, who can feel compassion even for those who have attacked you.

    Often, in my experience, such a response will surprise the sender and make them think twice about their actions, which is a good thing. However, if the person continues in their ignorant way and send further abusive messages, then its proper to delete and ignore them then.

  6. Hey Annette, I think you make a valid point here. By turning the tables on the abusive emailer, you may not only make them think twice about sending such hateful messages, but they might even second guess their thought process all together.

    My only caveat with this is that some initial emails/letters/etc… are so plainly abusive that to even reply to it as if it were anything more than hate speech, is just giving attention to pure negativity.

    If we’re just speaking of general negative comments, than I would have to completely agree with your point, but in reference to the email I was referring to, I’d have to respectfully disagree.

    I could be wrong here and you make a very good point. I guess it’s a matter of preference as well. Eric

  7. Annette

    Hi Eric,

    Without the priviledge of reading the particular email you were referring to here, of course my comment has to base on more generalised situations.

    However, if the email was that offensive, then why was it so hard to just delete it ? Why would you want to subject your lovely wife to having to read it and then discussing it again in the afternoon ?

    Since that particular email spurred you on to think about and to write this article, you must have felt the need to defend yourself psychologically, even when you chose not to reply.

    Its just my opinion of course, and I dont mean to push the idea onto you, I simply suggest that if and when such a need arises, you may want to try going for control of the whole situation, beyond just controlling how you feel and react.

  8. Sue

    Hello, I just came across this site a couple of days ago. This article was really great, and the second strategy for handling negative feedback re the half-truth (or nasty barb hidden among a series of true facts)is really useful for Highly Sensitive People, vis-a-vis NOT getting hung up on trying to dissect and analyze every part of the negative feedback. (One of the best qualities about HSPs is that they do process their experiences and interactions very deeply; the same trait is also one of their biggest challenges/pains as it often results in over-analysis of interactions in terms of all the nuances, etc. Elaine Aron has done a lot of research on HSPs and has written some good books–very user friendly!) I know I’ve sent myself crazy on more than one occasion trying to analyze the intent of negative feedback received, the tone in which it was delivered, and whether I should bother to respond or not. One of my friends deals with negative feedback (especially if there’s a detectably nasty edge to it–i.e., not meant as constructive but misguided feedback) by simply stating “Thank you for sharing–I’ll get back to you on that” and then changing the subject. It seems to be a fairly good way of deflecting the energy of the comment while making it clear that he has heard the person and may consider the information but is not going to be pulled into a discussion about it or prodded into a hasty reaction.

  9. I totally understand your perspective and hear what you’re saying. In regard to the email. Yes, it was THAT offensive and I should have just dropped it to begin with. I’m just a super people pleaser and have a hard time dealing with that kind of feedback. Hence, this post and this one as well. :-) Eric

  10. Hey Sue, I’m glad you connected with the content and I appreciate the added insight!

    I think your friends way of dealing with stuff like this is spot on. It’s kind of like saying, “I see your comment, I’ve analyzed it and I’m not interested in entertaining it. Bye.” PERFECT! :-) Eric

  11. Annette

    Thanks Eric for sharing that aspect of your personality. That is very courageous of you. Its not an easy thing to talk about. Seeing now that you are highly sensitive, my approach probably would not work so well for you.

    I guess the response then should be chosen on the basis of what a person is capable of rather than what is the “best” outcome ?

  12. WOW SPOT ON!!!!
    I’ve been going through websites and trying to find out how to handle customers that that give you negative feedback
    When I did nothing wrong but help or so I thought until he said my service was lousy

    I have great feedback 99.9% of the time But it’s the 1% that get’s to you

    Thank you For the great tips Just what I needed

    Mell

  13. James

    I once mentioned a friend as “a model” and a fellow man once said “did you say that to impress us?? I think you did…” and it totally leveled me. I WAS trying to impress people, and it backfired horribly. It was devastating feedback because I was doing it so frequently without fully realizing it. Instead I actually said “thank you… you’re right I was ” and he nodded at me understanding, then told me why I shouldn’t ever do that.

    I spent weeks thinking about how I was communicating to people, and found it was my own short comings that was causing me to impress others. After that, I practiced going entire days without mentioning any kind of accomplishment, benefit, status, goal, dream to ANYBODY, and felt great. I was finally letting people get to know ME. People would instead find out things on their own then say “Oh my gosh, that is so interesting…why didn’t you tell me that before,” and i was glad to after that. Men began respecting me more, and women would listen to everything I said intently. My dating life improved, and friendships got better.

    So next time someone complains about you or even tells you something candid that you know is true, look them in the eye and say “thank you, you’re absolutely right” and make a change. It may save your life.

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