It’s A BOY!!!
Tyson Wesley Hamm
If you’ve followed my writing over the months you may already know about our miscarriage back in March of ‘08. If not, you can read about it on zenhabits. But we DID finally get pregnant again and Liz is due on May 22nd. But today we were blessed to finally find out the babies gender. It’s a BOY!!!
Now let me start by saying that we kind of had a preference, a girl, but only just slightly. In the end we just want a healthy, happy child. I think it’s just that my side of the family is riddled with boys so we knew it was inevitable. But now were really excited about the whole idea. Yay us! 
But I didn’t want to just mention this exciting news, I wanted to use this as an opportunity to talk about something I have NO experience with, but hope to share my insight none the less. This whole thing got me thinking…
What are the dangers that lie ahead?
More specifically, I wanted to talk about the danger of expectations. Because the instant I heard it was a boy, I thought to myself, “Awesome, he’s going to be just like ______ and we can _______ together and he’ll be good at _______.” You get my point. I instantly started painting a picture of what I thought he was going to be like. Actually, a picture that I HOPED he was going to be like. But this can be a dangerous path to take. Expectation, if not met with perfection, only leads to disappointment.
I’ve seen it happen with many other families. One or both of the parents have all kinds of expectations before the child is even old enough to show promise or direction. Then suddenly it turns out the child had a personality that completely clashes with that of the parent/parents. Let’s say the father is into sports and the son wants nothing to do with it. Or the mother is a complete extrovert who likes to socialize and the daughter is a total introvert and just wants to spend time by herself.
This is completely natural, but I would think that the proper mindset could help the parents avoid the danger of a failed relationship. It seems to me that we should be careful to stay open to our child’s personality and perspective on life and never try and fit them into a mold. The goal is not to love having a mini version of yourself, but to love this completely unique individual that you have been blessed with. To look for what you HAVE been given, not what you should be or were meant to be given.
OK, so I’m a total rookie here and you can totally take this all with a grain of salt. I’m sure that the second this thing pops out I’ll be running around with dirty diapers and yelling, “WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!!!” But until then, I want to at least SOUND like I have a clue.
That is all for today…
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Hi Eric – Congratulations to you and Liz. Such exciting news. I know you’ll be keeping all of us abreast as the due date nears. I’ll keep my ears and eyes open.
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Congratulations Eric (and Liz)!
The comment about your side of the family being riddled with boys reminded me of something from Bryan Sykes’s book “Adam’s Curse”, where this sort of phenomenon is explained. There was also a very interesting section about women whose bodies repel male foeti. Well, interesting if you think genetics are thrilling.
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Congratulations! When we were waiting on our first to arrive people kept telling us, “Your life will change dramatically.” I heard this so many times it became annoying – and then it happened – lol – and I was like “WOW – they really weren’t kidding.” It’s full of ups and downs. You’ll remember the ups, and forget the downs.
Congrats! You know, I thought the same thing would happen when our sons were born. It’s amazing how quickly you adapt. Before you know it, you won’t remember how life was before the little guy arrived.
Just be sure to enjoy the moments, because they do you pass you by.
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Eric
Wonderful news! Congratulations.
My sister and I brought all girls into the family. Sometime in the next few days my brother and his wife will be welcoming the only boy into the mix. We’re all so excited.
We all have high expectations for our children and they are all different. I just encouraged mine to be themselves and helped nurture their emerging personalities and talents. This seemed to work as they are all young adults now pursuing their dreams out in the world.
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Oh, how exciting! Don’t worry so much about the expectations. He’ll let you know who he is when he’s ready and even if you have the biggest of personality conflicts, you’ll love seeing who he turns into as he grows up. I wish you and your family the best!
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Amazing ultrasound photo! Can’t wait to see your little Tyson in four more months. Congratulations.
Whatever you think Tyson will be like, he will probably be nothing at all like that. You are so right, placing the weight of expectation on your child can be a heavy burden.
CONGRATULATIONS all over the place my friend. That is truly the most remarkable ultrasound photo I have ever seen.
Writer Dad’s last blog post..How to Have More Time For Marriage With Kids In The Way
Congrats!
I know what you mean. It’s normal to have hopes and dreams for our kids, at the same time, accept them for who they are.
I wrote this post as I thought about my kids http://www.adventuresinparenting.org/2007/12/06/what-do-we-want-our-kids-to-be/
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Eric -
Congratulations!
Kids are the best and babies are certainly the very best
So happy for the exciting times ahead for you and Liz!
Take care and enjoy this time of hope and anticipation !
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Congrats! I’m happy and excited for both of you.
Fantastic! Congrats! The only preparation is to “assume fighting stance” because you never know who they are going to be and from what direction they will need steering, support or a little whack back in line. Boys are a blast, especially for dads who are big kids. I learned to avoid “why” questions with most behavior because he has NO idea. Start with “what” and you might get somewhere. The way we figure it, if we make kids with enough self-confidence to stand up to us they will be pretty ok. Good Luck!
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@Barbara: Thanks! I’ll be a giddy daddy all the time, I’m sure.
@Emma: Thanks and that’s actually VERY interesting. You and your science.
@ChasingSanity.com: Thanks! I keep hearing the same thing and just have to assume it’s true.
@Greg: Thanks! I’m sure I’ll adapt. I just want to be mindful of the process, but not TOO mindful, of course.
@Kathy: Thanks! Thanks good advice. It sounds like it’s worked for you.
@Frances: I’m sure he will. He won’t give me a choice, will he?
@Annette: Thanks! It’s crazy isn’t it?! We were blown away when we saw it. You KNOW when he’s born this blog will be RIDDLED with his little mug.
@Sean: Thanks, Sean! Liz and I think the same, that he’ll be totally unique and that’s awesome!
@Katy: Thanks for the congrats as well as the useful info.
@Maya: Thanks! Were super excited, but trying to enjoy the calm before the storm as well.
@Vered: Thanks, Vered!
@Corey: Thanks! “assume fighting stance” I like that! I’m sure it’s more accurate than I think.
And I’ll try to keep the whys to a minimum. Eric
Hi Eric.
Congratulations on becoming a father. As a father of two rambunctious boys, 6 & 4, the best advice I can give you is don’t try too hard to be a perfect parent. Accept that you’ll make mistakes and have times of sheer frustration. Also accept that you’ll times of sheer joy and excitement. The next best advice is get used to dealing with bodily fluids – wee, poo, chuck and dribble can come flying at you when you least expect it. Finally, once you have been in the groove for a few years get hold of the following books – “Between Parent and Child” by Haim Ginott & “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I’ve read several parenting books and these two are the best that I’ve read.
Woot! Congrats!! And meeting someone where they’re at, no matter the relationship is the best way to show someone you love and care for them, great post and good luck!
Congratulations to Eric and Liz!!!!
WOW. You’re entering the most wonderful and challenging experience of your life — parenthood. I have two daughters, one is now 30 and the other 25, and I have loved almost every minute of being a parent. I wasn’t too wild about changing diapers, but you do get used to it.
What’s really cool is watching them grow up, seeing the things you have in common with them and marveling at their own special uniqueness. You go, DAD!!!!
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Don’t worry about failed expectations with children. Here’s how I see it.
Knowing almost nothing about your relationship experiences, I’ll explain it the best I can.
Let’s say you are an unattached young adult man. You have this vision of the perfect woman. She’s tall, blond, skinny, loves the outdoors and animals and has a good career. You have expectations of meeting her.
However, into your life comes this woman who is the opposite of your dream woman. She is shorter and you love the fact that she nestles right under your arm. She’s curvy, and has long beautiful red hair. She’s a bookworm and is afraid of dogs.
All of a sudden, you realize you love her. And just as suddenly you realize that you love smart, curvy, redheads. She didn’t meet your expectations, but somehow she’s even better. (nothing against tall skinny blonds here, I’m just making an example.) You love her attributes because they are HERS. Anything about her that makes her unique is what you have grown to love.
It’s the same way with kids. You think that you would love to have a kid that looks like this, or does that, but in the end, you end up loving mostly everything about your child because he is yours. The things about him that make him unique, are what you grow to love, even if they are nothing like you had hoped.
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@Ben: Thanks, Ben! That’s some AWESOME advise! I’ll drop my perfectionism and grab some paper towels.
@V: Thanks and well said!
@Sara: Thanks! Both Liz and I are really excited and hope to be great parents, but it sounds like the it’s long and winding road that should be thoroughly enjoyed in spite of the obstacles. And I’ll leave most of the diaper changing to Liz. Just don’t tell her I said that.
@Randi: That’s such a great analogy. I never really thought about it like that. Liz and I always say that our ‘lists’ of the perfect spouse went out the window when we met and realized who we REALLY wanted to be with. But I never put that thought on the whole kids thing. But it makes total sense. Thanks for sharing that! Eric
Hi Eric,
Congrats to you! I believe the journey is going to be exciting for you
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
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@Vincent: Thanks, Vincent! Eric
Hi Eric
Congratulations!
I’m not a parent, but Vered of Momgrind wrote a very good post on raising a child with a positive self-image that you may want to take a look at:
http://momgrind.com/2009/01/12/children-self-image/
Juliet
LifeMadeGreat | Juliet’s last blog post..Overcoming The Barriers Of Introversion: Starting The Process
@Juliet: Thanks! I’ll have to check it out. Eric
Congratulations Eric!
It must be quite profound to think that in 20 years or so you’ll have this grown up son who could be doing all sorts of things with his life that you haven’t imagined yet!
@Bonnie: Thanks! That’s a crazy thought, no doubt!
Eric
Eric,
Best to you and your wife and your little one – this is going to be amazing – just you wait and see. It is your time, I know it.
-Brett
Brett Legree’s last blog post..a perfect storm.
Congratulation and how fun it is that now you can have pictures before birth….May 22, or there about seems a lovely time for a new kiddo to arrive.
After teaching Developmental Psyche for so many years, I believe it takes about 2 years for parents to begin to see the true personality of the child emerge. There are hints all along. So lots of love and gentle guidance seem like the best advise for the first moments of introduction.
I think it is important for parents to have a meaning for their child’s name and a hope of a wonderful future with health, and beyond then just practice their skills of loving kindness, distraction and using the word best that teaches NO and safety.
What a wonderful treat to share…actually I was afraid with my internet up and down than I might have missed the whole event!
Blessing upon you and yours
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@Brett: Thanks, Brett! We THINK we’re ready, but we know that no one ever is.
@Patricia: Thanks for the great advice! The 2 year thing sounds about right. And no, you didn’t miss it. But when it comes I’ll HAVE to make it a big deal on “Motivate Thyself”. It’ll be fun!
Eric
Eric,
You are welcome. Probably the only piece of advice I could give you – other than, ignore everything everyone else says because *you* are the parents and *you* will know your baby best – is that, you will be ready.
I didn’t think we were ready for one – but we were. And then when three more came along, we were ready for that too.
From what I know of you guys, you’ll be great parents. Your little boy is very lucky indeed.
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Congrats you two! I love your post. It’s great that you’re thinking about all these things. I think too may people think they’re having a Mini-Me and start making all kinds of plans for him or her. The truth is he’ll be his own person with his own likes and dislikes, hopes and fears, talents and dreams. You’re there to nurture and protect and encourage him on his way. How cool is that?!
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I missed this post. I didn’t know the gender or due date. Happy Valentines Day and on your difficult parenting days throughout the rest of your life just remember, “This too shall pass!”
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@MoDLin: Thanks!
“The truth is he’ll be his own person with his own likes and dislikes, hopes and fears, talents and dreams. You’re there to nurture and protect and encourage him on his way. How cool is that?!”
Well said!
@Tess: Thanks, Tess! Eric
Congratulations to you and Liz. Being a Dad is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Phil & Lynda
Eric:
That’s wonderful for you both! Thanks for keeping me in the loop.
David
Eric, Congrats! And boys are awesome & so much fun…. Looks like your blog has quite the following, maybe you should be my advertising agent… Enjoy Parenthood, it’ll be the ride of your life! Love the ultrasound pic… keep me in mind for live pics. Dottie
Love the line: Expectation, if not met with perfection, only leads to disappointment.
I thought for sure my wife would be a brunette. She’s a blonde.
I thought for sure we would have a natural birth. We had a C-section.
I NEVER thought my daughter would have red hair. Looks like she might have red hair.
But with all these “surprises”, I find life’s even more beautiful.
And, wow, when your son delivers your hearts going to explode with love for your wife and son!!!
Hey Brian, you’re dead on about the surprises being the real blessings in life. If life always went according to our plan, we’d be some bored folks!
Eric
Thanks guys! That’s what I hear and we’re very excited, no doubt!
Hope you guys are doing well, Eric.
Thanks for stopping by, David. Eric
Thanks, Dottie! Yeah, I’ve got a great bunch of readers and fellow bloggers to share stuff like this with. It’s a great community!
I’ll certainly keep you in mind with Tyson makes his way into our lives. Eric