Is People Pleasing Keeping You From Pleasing The Right People?
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with pleasing people, including ourselves. If we’re willing to make sacrifices for the sake of another, who are we to say that’s wrong? But the fact is, people pleasing isn’t about pleasing others, but fending off our fear of rejection. Those of us who would consider themselves people pleasers are generally individuals who feel the need to be accepted by the world around them. And not just a general acceptance, but that of each person they come in contact with. And to maintain this madness, we seek to please with abandon.
Let me just start by saying that I’m one of the biggest people pleasers out there. Show me a possible moment of displeasure and I’ll jump in and fill the need as fast as I can in hopes of both harmony among those involved as well as positive feelings toward little old me. I’m not a saint by any stretch, I just have the disease to please.
In the long run, we’re pleasing nobody.
One of the great misconceptions among people pleasers is this idea that we’re ‘good people’ who are just trying to make everybody happy. As I stated before, it’s not so much our great concern for another human being, but our obsession with the way others may perceive us. As a result, we tend to say yes to everything and rarely stick up for ourselves. Even if someone blatantly wrongs us, we are usually the ones who absorb the hurt and then stand in the corner, fuming to ourselves. It’s not a pretty site.
The fact is, when we try to please everybody, we end up pleasing nobody. Tired from the burnout that comes from the over extension of ourselves and frustrated by the fact that we keep letting others take advantage of us, we quickly become ineffective in helping others and often times end up resenting everyone around us. Then, when we finally run into a situation where our help is truly needed, we are too depleted to help out. Also, our ability to decipher a real need from that of someone trying to take advantage of our people pleasing nature, is quite skewed. In our minds, every ‘need’ is a requirement for us to act and in time, this wears us down to worthlessness.
Huh?
To some, this may sound a little off beat. Maybe you’re wondering, “What’s your point and where are you going with this?” The fact is, if you are a people pleaser, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. If not, then this won’t make much sense and might not even be worth your time. Today I’m speaking to the people pleasers in hopes that I can help some of you break free from this awful addiction and start living your life more effectively and with a freedom you never thought possible.
A Brief History
I’ve always been the easy going type. Easy to get along with and an all around positive person. In many conversations I’d be the first to encourage others or just be plain agreeable. If someone was down, I was there to help pick them up. I just couldn’t stand to see others in any sort of pain.
I figured I was a pretty darn good person. Compared to many around me, I stood out as the peace maker. But soon it became apparent that much of my good nature stemmed from the fact that I couldn’t stand to not be pleasing to others. My sensor for acceptance was way out of wack as I perceived a neutral stance as negativity toward me. Though I genuinely wanted to see others happy, I had to come to terms with the fact that much of this desire was selfish in nature.
As I grew into the real world and began my computer consulting business, I quickly realized the devastating effects that people pleasing had when carried beyond adolescence. I could barely handle the slightest bit of negativity from a client and often times became their doormat, as I’d let them walk all over me. In the name of neutrality, I would do most anything. I was a slave to my fear and the need to be liked.
As the years went by, I began to realize my need to break free from this bad habit. Not only was I unable to grow a healthy business as a practicing people pleaser, but by letting myself get beat up by the world around me, I would come home each day in a state of despair. Liz and I would talk and it would quickly become apparent that I had once again fallen prey to my people pleasing mentality. She would encourage me to stop saying yes to everything and start standing up for myself. I would then feel rejuvenated and ready to break free from my personal bondage. Yet, within days and sometimes even hours, it became quite apparent that nothing had changed.
Finding a fear that is greater than that of rejection.
When breaking any kind of habit or addiction, it is imperative to find the source of the problem and then counteract it with its opposite and hopefully stronger sibling. For me, the fear of rejection was the source of my addiction. But recently I’ve come to fear a much greater element of life; failure. OK, let’s step back for a second. When I say fear of failure, I’m speaking of the healthy kind of fear. We could even rephrase the word fear with ‘healthy respect’. My fear of rejection was the kind of fear that kept me up at night, while my new found respect for failure is the kind that motivates the heck out of me. There’s a BIG difference here.
I’m not saying that I am no longer a people pleaser. Far from it! Just like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, recovering as they may be, I’m am just a recovering people pleaser. I still struggle with my fear of rejection and often find myself seeking to please others for the sake of feeding my need to be liked, but as my fear/respect for failure grows in strength, my focus is less likely to allow capture from this awful addiction.
What does failure have to do with people pleasing?
So I now fear failure. Why? Well, much of my frustration in life has been the result of this disease. I’ll go against every instinct in my body to please another human being and then pull my hair out in dismay when the result is the complete opposite of forward progress. It’s one thing to fail because you made a mistake, but when you miss out on opportunity because you were too busy trying to make things right with the world, you find a frustration that is not easily matched. Once this healthy respect for forward progress made its way into my mind, I started seeing the hold that people pleasing had on me, weaken and wither.
Losing Your Flavor
As individuals, we all have our own personal flavor. Some are sweet, some salty and others plain bitter. But as a people pleaser, because of our skill of going with the flow at all costs, we lose our flavor all together. We try to blend with every personality we come in contact with and as a result our own personality fades. What makes you, YOU, is your own blend of Yes’s and No’s. It’s our beliefs and values and preferences that give us our spice. Lose this and you lose yourself in the process. Before long, you end up forgetting what you’re all about. This can be a scary realization and one that should be harnessed to help push us out of our people pleasing ways.
Losing Proper Perception
Another thing we lose when blending in with the world around us is our ability to properly perceive a healthy need from a selfish desire. Just like children, adults need to be told no from time to time. If everyone got their way 100% of the time we’d be one messed up society (at least more messed up than we already are). So it’s our job as an individual to stand up for what we believe is right. If someone needs assistance and we can accurately determine the need to be sincere, it is our job to address that need if at all possible. Not necessarily to say yes every time (just because YOU are asked for help doesn’t mean that YOU are the one to help out), but to remain open to the assistance of others. But if someone selfishly requests our attention, it is equally imperative that we say no. The more we let others walk all over us, the less clarity we will have as we try and assess the needs around us. And there’s nothing worse than not being able to address a real need because our time is being consumed by our inability to say no to the squeaky wheels that surround us.
Signs of a People Pleaser
- Someone who says yes, even when their mind says no.
- Someone who is devastated when they think someone doesn’t like them.
- Someone who would rather feel personal pain than displease another.
- Someone who cringes at the first sign of friction.
- Someone who is willing to fail in the name of pleasing another.
- Someone who has lost their own sense of unique personality and belief.
- Someone who is not willing to speak up for themselves.
- Someone who loses sleep over the slightest altercation with another.
- Someone who feels out of control when they think another human being may disagree with what they’re doing.
- Someone who starts to see their desire to please others as a separate part of themselves. Separate from the rest of who they are as an individual.
Tips to break free from the shackles of people pleasing.
- Find a greater fear: As I stated earlier, the best way to overcome people pleasing is to “…find the source of the problem and then counteract it with its opposite and hopefully stronger sibling.” What is people pleasing keeping you from doing or being? Figure this out and then use that knowledge to find a stronger source of fear to feed on. As I mentioned earlier, this latter kind of fear should be the healthy kind. A respect that keeps us motivated.
- Stop saying yes until you can accurately separate the real need from the non-essential: After years of putting our YES reaction on autopilot, we may find it hard to determine the validity of the incoming requests. The only way I know to bring this barometer back to a balanced state is to go through a time of constant No’s. After a while it will become more clear when you are turning down a non-essential request and when a real need is not being addressed. During this process, be sure to remind yourself that even those valid needs that you are turning down will be addressed by another. Which leads me to my next tip…
- Let go of your need to control: Believe it or not, one of the strong characteristics of a people pleaser is the need to control EVERYTHING. If anything, our pleasing ways are nothing more than a subtle manipulation to retain control of the situation. We are trying to control what others think of us and how they act toward us. This leads us to feel that we are also responsible for every need that comes our way. I truly believe that each individual was made to assist others in specific ways. Therefore, it is impossible that we should take on each request that comes our way. Even those that are truly sincere and equally valid, are not necessarily the needs we are supposed to address. Over time, as we begin to see clearly once again, we will be able to accurately address those needs that are specific to our nature. The rest we will redirect elsewhere, confident that they were not meant for our attention. So let go of this idea that you can/will/should take on the troubles of the world and let go of this control that you think you have.
- Stop placing your peace of mind in the hands of others: I love it when I get in a flow of positive productivity. I’m knocking out task after task and I feel like I can take on anything. Then, all of a sudden, I have a conflict with another. Maybe they sent me a nasty email or maybe it was a phone call, but somehow I was given notice that they were not pleased with me. My world shrinks and my drive dwindles into nothingness. Out the windows goes my productivity as I place everything on hold to sulk at the situation. I lose sleep, my appetite and my clarity of thought. Only recently have I clearly seen the insanity of this silliness. Why am I placing my own peace of mind and future progress, in the hands of someone who may have just been having a bad day? This has got to stop and I/you are the only ones who can make this happen!
- Fill your desire to please with healthy opportunities to help others: One of the wonderful characteristics of the people pleaser is their honest desire to help others. Yes, we can be manipulative bastards, no doubt, but we truly DO want to help. The problem is that when we are ‘practicing people pleasers’ we are unhealthily distributing our assistance. This just keeps us unclear of the real needs around us and frustrated as we try to help. Instead of this madness, try to proactively address the needs that you see as necessary. Enjoy these moments and let them feed on your desire to help. Over time, this desire to care for another will be less out of control and you will find it MUCH easier to say no when no is the necessary word.
- Once again, PROACTIVE assistance: I just mentioned the word proactive in the previous tip. This is CRUCIAL! As people pleasers, we are so overwhelmed as we take on every request of assistance that comes our way, that we have no time or energy to address the issues that WE see as fit for our attention. Think about how CRAZY this is! What we are essentially doing is assuming that everyone else’s idea of our time well spent is more accurate that our own. We need to figure out for ourselves what needs we should be addressing and then go out and address them. Stop waiting for the world to dictate your attention and start attending to the needs you were meant to address.
Final Thoughts
I’m only just starting to break free from this debilitating disease. I have a long way to go and though I’m starting to feel the taste of real freedom, I remain partially captive to this struggle. This is MY attempt to proactively help others by hopefully sharing thoughts that are helpful in their journey to regain their personal freedom. If you are someone who struggles with any of the things mentioned above, by all means, share your thoughts in the comments and feel free to shoot me an email if that seems applicable.
Eric
92 Responses to “Is People Pleasing Keeping You From Pleasing The Right People?”
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Hey Janice, little Tyson popped out this morning at 8:50am EST! He’s a handsome fella and grabbed my heart the second I laid eyes on him.
Eric
Congratulations to you both! Well it was nice to have met you Eric. See you in about 18 years
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@ Eric: You write: “Many who have people pleasing tendencies have learned to overcome them and ’stick to their guns”
Very good point.
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Why thank you.
Eric
Ha Ha, thanks Marc!
Eric
Hi, thanks for a fascinating article. I actually squirmed when I read the bit about being willing to fail to please another. I actually use to play badly at cards to let my Mum win. I am such a people pleaser I’m almost embarrassed now I see it’s actually a need to control. My Mum wouldn’t dream of asking my sister to do anything for her as she is very impatient – I on the other hand lap up the chance to please her yet feel angry and put-upon deep down.
I’m working on decluttering my home at the moment, then I intend to declutter myself and my mindset so I will be back for more tips
Thanks for the inspiration to change!
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Hi,
I recently discovered your blog. When I read the first paragraph of this post, I knew EXACTLY what you were talking about. It was uncanny how much I related to your words. I’ve always knew this about myself in a vague way with bits and pieces of insight here and there. But you unified this experience in a coherent way. Thank you.
Vi | Maximizing Utility’s last blog post..Safe Haven
Hey Polly, I actually did a bit of squirming while writing it.
I’m glad you could relate. Thanks for taking the time to read and share your thoughts. Eric
I’m so glad you could relate like this. It often times takes hearing it from someone else to solidify it in our own minds. Thanks for sharing this.
Eric
Hi Eric…I am a first time reader, brought over by your ad on Zen Habits. What an amazingly thought provoking post. I am a 42 year mother of four and this is a real issue for me. You have managed to break down this issue in ways that are really eye-opening to me and I’ll be thinking of your words for a long time to come.
Thank you!!
Kelly
Hey Kelly, I’m so glad you connected with the post! I know how damaging a problem like people pleasing can be. It can really be a life sucker! I really hope you’re able to use my words to break some of the boundaries you’ve make for yourself as a people pleaser. I’m still struggling myself, so we’ll be fighting it together!
Eric
Great article.
My name is Jared, and I’m a recovering people pleaser (among other things;-).
As you mentioned Eric, people pleasing was a selfish act in a sense, although I sincerely thought I wanted the best for others. It was motivated from a need to be accepted, as I compared my insides to my perception of how I thought others perceived me.
I’ve also learned to not always try and rescue people I see in pain. Although it hurts to see them suffer, pain is a great motivator. It was for me.
Once I learned to accept myself, after severe pain and being forced to try something different, did I find self love. And therefore less of a need to find acceptance outside myself.
I too do some freelance web design/development, and used to struggle a lot with trying to please my clients… working for free many times because I doubted my abilities. I’ve realized how valuable my time is today and tell people up front what I charge and what they will get for their money. If its outside the scope, I tell them and charge them.
Not until the pain of doing things the same way outweighed the fear of trying something new, was I able to make a real change. Today, I live a life based on a set of spiritual principals. I wake up each morning and pray for guidance. When stuck, I ask for help, and I don’t make promises I know I can’t keep. At night, I review my day and know I did the best I could. I see where I can improve and determine if I need to make any amends. This allows me to please my conscience, which is God.
Jared | SpiritualZen.net’s last blog post..What Everybody Ought to Know About Action vs. Intention
Thank you for writing this post. Now I know that I am not alone. I’ve been battling this issue since adolescence. I always felt like I was being taken advantage of by my family and close friends, but I know that it was only because I conditioned them to automatically think I would say “yes” to every request. I started exercising my NO muscle. It took some time to get used to it, especially since I wasn’t…Now it just rolls off the tongue and I don’t feel bad for rejecting other people’s requests.
Great insight, Jared! I especially appreciate your words on the web design/client issues and resolutions. You mentioned how you doubted your abilities and I do this ALL THE TIME! I know I’m good at what I do, but there’s just something about the POSSIBILITY of failing or not meeting the expectations of another that keep me on the defense.
I really appreciate you taking the time to share this! Eric
Hey Audrey, you’re definitely NOT alone on this one! I’m glad to hear that you got something out of this post and that you’re growing through this and not continuing to be controlled by it.
I certainly still struggle with it, but like you I’m working in a positive direction.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us. Eric
“But the fact is, people pleasing isn’t about pleasing others, but fending off our fear of rejection”
- I couldn’t agree more. In fact, wanting to please people may even make you end up doing the wrong things.
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Very true and very well said! Eric
This is awesome, I agree that those who are people pleasers will understand it, makes me more free now. thanks
Glad you enjoyed it and took something positive away from it.
Eric
Wonderful post!
I use your posts for my productivity emails within my work place. It has really helped some of my colleagues in not only our work development but personal as well.
I totally relate to this post and I thank you for writing it. I am a total people please and its exactly for the reason stated: acceptance.
I like your last tip about being proactive. I have recently started my own blog Lemonade 25 Cents for this reason. I love motivating other people. I have thisi strong desire in me to really improve others. I am no where near perfect, but in this journey through life I am learning a lot and I think it’d be selfish to keep it to myself. Through that I am being proactive and satisfying my desire to help others. However I am doing in a healthy way, one that not only helps others, but also helps me as well.
Kudos to you! ^5
-Tupieta
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Thanks Tupieta, I really appreciate that vote of confidence!
It sounds like you have a similar desire as I do and I’m glad you’re using that drive to help others. I really hope the best for you blog and that you’ll find a wonderful audience to share your thoughts and ideas with.
Eric
I read this article when you first posted it. It helped me recognize my people pleasing tendancies through my awareness of “the signs”. I’m already noticing positive changes . Thanks much.
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Hey Michael, I really appreciate you letting me know this. I always love to hear I’m making a positive impact with my writing.
Eric
After reading this post, I felt this is my story and without adding any extra effort I have improved a lot and started feeling some changes. I don’t feel that pain and suffering in order to live up to others expectations. I have stopped doing public service and help people only when they really need me, instead of feeling that they need my help all the time. I feel more free now and less responsible for others and biggest of all I feel the FREEDOM.
Thanks a lot Eric. I guess this is one thing in my life which I should have learnt earlier, but better late then never.
I’m so glad you benefited from the post! And you’re right, it’s a very freeing experience. Eric
wow. My jaw was dropping as I kept reading this. Honestly I just stumbled upon your post from a google search of ‘why am i a people pleaser’, and then to see something hit home in so much detail, kinda weird. I feel like for ages I’ve been fighting to keep my head above water, dealing with avoiding conflict of my own and also conflict between people that i’m dealing with (borrowing trouble). When my head’s miraculously/randomly above water, I can carry on with my job, my life, education, relationships, attain goals, no problem. But when i slip back in to bad habits again, it’s like partial drowning. Strange way to explain it, but that’s how it feels to me. Just this evening I was working for over an hour (!) on an email to two people that I do volunteer work with, trying to resolve an issue that wasn’t even mine to begin with!! Finally it was like a breakthrough – i just said out loud to myself – this is not MY problem, why am I so uptight??!! (Volunteer work – a whole ‘nother chapter right there. Guess who wins the Miss Dependable award?)
It’s interesting that you brought up the control aspect, too. I never connected the two… but i’m painfully aware of my controlling/perfectionistic tendencies.
A few more comments –
Have to practice saying no. Seems like it’s a foreign word sometimes, so we literally/physically need to practice it (in a mirror, or with a trusted friend) until it feels less foreign – “No, I don’t have time right now”, “No, I don’t agree with you”, or whatever. (Shades of SNL’s Stuart Smalley!) I attended a meeting once led by a man from Zig Ziglar’s group and he talked quite a bit about the daily affirmation practices he did in the mirror and how effective they were. Motivation / Repetition, it works.
The root of Procrastination – maybe the extra baggage I take on when pleasing others is what’s putting me so behind in my own work, ‘making me’ be late or barely getting things done in time? I do get presentations finished, I do get to the airport on time, I do pass the exams, but there are more laaaaaate nights and anxious stomach-aches than I ever care to admit.
Or — does procrastination instead stem from a fear of failure, to such a degree that I’m in a state of paralyzed deer-in-the-headlights inertia until I can’t stand it anymore (like my hour-long emails) or until the very last possible minute? I’ve long thought that I had a sick addiction to the last-minute adrenaline rush. But maybe instead I’ve been subconsciously painting myself into a corner until there’s one, and only one, way out, so I ride that adrenaline wave and do my best and convince myself later that that best effort on the only way out was a good one, after all; that I didn’t fail, that this procrastination method IS painful but by golly it worked one more time. It’s a bad habit but it’s the only one I know. ?
Choice of words: the self-esteem, fear of failure, people-pleasing connections — I’ve become more and more aware of this lately. Mostly it’s in email but I notice it in conversation, too. “I think”; “in my opinion”; “I just wanted to remind you”, “it seems like”; “may i suggest”; “have you considered”; etc etc. Internally as I’m typing those words I’m over-sensitive to them, like far-be-it-from-me to say something definitive, declarative or bold to the other person, because it might piss someone off or it might be wrong (!). Of course these phrases do have their place many times in professional/polite conversation and in email, for sure, but I feel like I’m using them to tip-toe around topics.
Thanks again – so therapeutic to see your words and finally get mine written down !
A very insightful comment to say the least. You really hit on some things I struggle with as well. I’m the king of last minute adrenaline. It’s what get’s me to finally act. I attribute much of this to my ADHD. My lack of natural frontal cortex stimulation that requires me to orchestrate the “almost didn’t get that done” kind of situation that gets that necessary adrenaline flowing.
And yes, I beat around the bush and tip toe all the time! I like the way you put it, “far-be-it-from-me to say something definitive, declarative or bold to the other person”. It’s like we feel the need to cover ourselves in case we happen to be wrong. I say, “most likely” or “there’s a good chance” all the time. Nothing set in stone. It’s like I’m giving my opinion in such a way that gives me a way out in case I’m wrong or (here’s the real people pleaser mindset) in case I’m perceived to be wrong. That’s even worse to a people pleaser.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I enjoyed reading your insights. Now keep pushing past this paralyzing disease to please and be yourself. Do what you think is best, say what you mean and mean what you say and when you’re wrong, learn from it and move on. Oh, and when someone isn’t pleased with you, tell them to take a number and get in line. The only people who please all people all the time are those who never truly live out their own convictions.
Eric
Thank you, Eric.
Eric, thanks for your site, my question is this: i am genuinely interested in other people so i always ask them about their lives and try to get to know them, this is almost never reciprocated so we end up with a monologue situation, ie, constantly about them. If i say something about myself, they look blank, almost bewildered and just grunt a response. I’m sick to death of it and getting disalussioned with people, they also tend to try and domiante me, just because i don’t try and dominate them. Is this the only dynamic for human relationships? I’m fed up. I feel like i’ve totally lost my flavour.
You’re welcome.
Eric
Hey Maggie, sorry for the belated reply to your great question.
To get straight to the point, it sounds like you’re losing people’s respect and, as you pointed out, your flavor, when you put all the focus on others. As much as people like to talk about themselves they also respect those who have something unique/interesting to say as well.
You need to make others feel like they need to earn your interest; at least a little. I think people need a bit of a challenge when earning attention and if it’s just given out for free as you’ve explained, they may just decide you’re not worth their time.
I know this may sound harsh and it definitely makes others sound selfish, but the fact is, WE ARE SELFISH! You know? I mean, we’re selfish people and you sound like someone who genuinely cares for others.
So my advise would be to just do what you think is right and not let others’ reactions effect yours. If you’re losing your flavor, get it back, but don’t do anything for the sake of trying to win respect from what sound like a bunch of selfish individuals.
Does any of this make sense or am I just rambling like a fool?
Eric
Hi Eric, many thanks for your reply and it makes perfect sense. I just guess that i had gotten to the point where i didn’t know if i had any genuine empathy for others or not. My people pleasing addiction dictated everything, like every addiction it demands a certain kind of behaviour (with the end result of the ‘i’m liked and there was no friction’ box being ticked) and you just go along with it regardless, all the while knowing something is dreadfully awry. Feeling drained and eventually afraid of people isn’t healthy, you feel trapped and everywhere you turn is a dead end – created by yourself. My counteracting fear is now: THIS COULD BE LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Beleive me, it is a good one. I have already found the resourses inside me to change a work situation that was just plain wrong and have taken many steps back from certain people. Everything in good time though, i don’t want to lose some otherwise good people in my life. I have also just returned from a meditation class so i can finally get to know the real me! I’ll let you know how i get on but many thanks for your wonderful site, By the way, i’m a Londoner, which part did you stay in?
Maggie
I think this post has hit ‘People Pleasing’ on the head. I am a culprit of people pleasing but over time I have come to realize whom my real friends are from this. As I am getting older I am getting stronger in being more opinionated and sticking up for myself at work but I do still struggle now again and outside of work with friends of friends. For instance, there is the girl whom I met through my best friend who has a very controlling nature, we have all been out a few times and I’ve come to realize that she has a big problem with me, she constantly says she loves my outfit and where I got it from, when there are another ten other woman in the same room but she pin points me every time. I noticed her giving me a stinking look when I was talking to a bloke I knew from school whom she was briefly talking to before hand and then the other day my boyfriend gave my friend and this girl and her friend a lift to a club and then we saw her out last weekend and she said hello to all my friends and blatantly ignored me. This I found so frustrating and rude and afterwards I was more annoyed with myself as I didn’t say anything to her and when she went I went off on one in front of my other friends, which I might add they have never seam me like before. I know not everyone is going to like you but I have done nothing wrong to this girl and to be honest I can’t say I have actually been a people pleaser towards her.
My friends say she is jealous of me or she could fancy me as she is bi-sexual????? Or is it because she can see I am an easy target????? I don’t know? Help!!!!!!
Thanks guys
You’re probably an easy target if you’re naturally a people pleaser and the other piece of advice I can give is WHO CARES WHAT SHE THINKS!!
See, that’s one of our biggest problems as people pleasers. We want EVERYONE to like us and if/when we find someone who doesn’t it drives us crazy! The best remedy for a situation like this is to accept the possibility that this person doesn’t like you and then stop caring. Quit picking apart every situation to see how she is with you to determine what you already know. She has some kind of issue with you and that’s HER PROBLEM! Does that make sense?
And the crazy thing is, it’s usually when we finally stop caring and that other person realizes that they no longer get to us, that they gain some respect for us and either stop bothering us or even try to befriend us. Either way they have the problem, not you.
At least that’s my 2 cents.
Eric
Thank you so much for that Eric and your right, I already know what I know and I am going to stop caring about this girl and I will keep this in mind for any situations that may arise in the future. Thanks again and what a quick reply, fantastic!!!!
Sure thing. Glad you found my advise to be helpful.
Eric
hello. I’m a PP too…
I really want to please people.
when I look at their eyes I can’t be cruel to them.
if someone do something wrong I don’t say anything to him/her.
most of the time i redirect the problems to myself and sometimes say
I’m doing it because I don’t want any one to be unhappy..
and I can do that but don’t want any one to be angry
that’s sometimes make me think for a long time and I don’t do my own job
although I can decide well and I’m very strong in logical mind
but I prefer to find a GF for another person than find one for myself.
It’s easier for me to struggle for another person than myself
Sometimes I try to do something to help someone who I know is not helping himself. then I see I’m failing helping myself and do my duties.
Is this people pleasing? have you ever experienced this.?
so then when I get home I’m really unhappy and tired . my eyes are half closed and everyone can say that I’m exhausted.
I’m always imagine myself for example singing music for others or telling them what to do rather than doing my own job well.
So im pretty sure that im a people pleaser as well. All of the things ive read about, ie. the symptoms, reasons for doing it. They all make sense. The thought of someone not liking me, is excruciating, almost to the point where im having trouble functioning? So maybe im on the very extreme side of the effects of people pleasing?
My mom i can say is definatly a people pleaser. Which is prolly where i get it from. She cant have anyone thinking negatively about her ansd always puts on a happy front. Even with me, i dont think ive ever seen her show true emotion? Im 26, just to put that into perspective.
Also ive read about how individuals who are people pleasers, have trouble with relationships with the oppoite sex. Always seeking approval, and just agreeing with they’re partner? And in the end, really resenting them for it? Which i can totally agree with. I definatly am always seeking the aproval of woman, i need them to want me, and think good things about me, not just woman, but its a big part of it. Any thoughts on what im writing, im not really able to talk to anyone about this, my friends and family dont really get it. So any insight.. bad or good would be helpfull!!
I am 20 years old and I was even studying psychology and I completely just now realized that what people have been telling me I do and “am” is a people pleaser and its real. Even worse I became a leader on a game that I totally try to keep going. Not only do I hate when people leave my guild, but I feel that I failed and I blame this all on myself. I feel that its something I did even when it wasn’t I just now realized this the other night when I KNEW it wasn’t my fault and my boyfriend told me that he was upset because I was upset. His words were “You blame everything on yourself”. This really made me think. Not only that but I even was victim of flirting with others and not really wanting too to “be nice”…. I really wish I knew about this all sooner…reading this I knew that it was a perfect description of me and I almost cried knowing that I can change… Thank you so much for this article. It really may help me and all my friends who think I am “taking on everything” because its true.