Is People Pleasing Keeping You From Pleasing The Right People?
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with pleasing people, including ourselves. If we’re willing to make sacrifices for the sake of another, who are we to say that’s wrong? But the fact is, people pleasing isn’t about pleasing others, but fending off our fear of rejection. Those of us who would consider themselves people pleasers are generally individuals who feel the need to be accepted by the world around them. And not just a general acceptance, but that of each person they come in contact with. And to maintain this madness, we seek to please with abandon.
Let me just start by saying that I’m one of the biggest people pleasers out there. Show me a possible moment of displeasure and I’ll jump in and fill the need as fast as I can in hopes of both harmony among those involved as well as positive feelings toward little old me. I’m not a saint by any stretch, I just have the disease to please.
In the long run, we’re pleasing nobody.
One of the great misconceptions among people pleasers is this idea that we’re ‘good people’ who are just trying to make everybody happy. As I stated before, it’s not so much our great concern for another human being, but our obsession with the way others may perceive us. As a result, we tend to say yes to everything and rarely stick up for ourselves. Even if someone blatantly wrongs us, we are usually the ones who absorb the hurt and then stand in the corner, fuming to ourselves. It’s not a pretty site.
The fact is, when we try to please everybody, we end up pleasing nobody. Tired from the burnout that comes from the over extension of ourselves and frustrated by the fact that we keep letting others take advantage of us, we quickly become ineffective in helping others and often times end up resenting everyone around us. Then, when we finally run into a situation where our help is truly needed, we are too depleted to help out. Also, our ability to decipher a real need from that of someone trying to take advantage of our people pleasing nature, is quite skewed. In our minds, every ‘need’ is a requirement for us to act and in time, this wears us down to worthlessness.
Huh?
To some, this may sound a little off beat. Maybe you’re wondering, “What’s your point and where are you going with this?” The fact is, if you are a people pleaser, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. If not, then this won’t make much sense and might not even be worth your time. Today I’m speaking to the people pleasers in hopes that I can help some of you break free from this awful addiction and start living your life more effectively and with a freedom you never thought possible.
A Brief History
I’ve always been the easy going type. Easy to get along with and an all around positive person. In many conversations I’d be the first to encourage others or just be plain agreeable. If someone was down, I was there to help pick them up. I just couldn’t stand to see others in any sort of pain.
I figured I was a pretty darn good person. Compared to many around me, I stood out as the peace maker. But soon it became apparent that much of my good nature stemmed from the fact that I couldn’t stand to not be pleasing to others. My sensor for acceptance was way out of wack as I perceived a neutral stance as negativity toward me. Though I genuinely wanted to see others happy, I had to come to terms with the fact that much of this desire was selfish in nature.
As I grew into the real world and began my computer consulting business, I quickly realized the devastating effects that people pleasing had when carried beyond adolescence. I could barely handle the slightest bit of negativity from a client and often times became their doormat, as I’d let them walk all over me. In the name of neutrality, I would do most anything. I was a slave to my fear and the need to be liked.
As the years went by, I began to realize my need to break free from this bad habit. Not only was I unable to grow a healthy business as a practicing people pleaser, but by letting myself get beat up by the world around me, I would come home each day in a state of despair. Liz and I would talk and it would quickly become apparent that I had once again fallen prey to my people pleasing mentality. She would encourage me to stop saying yes to everything and start standing up for myself. I would then feel rejuvenated and ready to break free from my personal bondage. Yet, within days and sometimes even hours, it became quite apparent that nothing had changed.
Finding a fear that is greater than that of rejection.
When breaking any kind of habit or addiction, it is imperative to find the source of the problem and then counteract it with its opposite and hopefully stronger sibling. For me, the fear of rejection was the source of my addiction. But recently I’ve come to fear a much greater element of life; failure. OK, let’s step back for a second. When I say fear of failure, I’m speaking of the healthy kind of fear. We could even rephrase the word fear with ‘healthy respect’. My fear of rejection was the kind of fear that kept me up at night, while my new found respect for failure is the kind that motivates the heck out of me. There’s a BIG difference here.
I’m not saying that I am no longer a people pleaser. Far from it! Just like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, recovering as they may be, I’m am just a recovering people pleaser. I still struggle with my fear of rejection and often find myself seeking to please others for the sake of feeding my need to be liked, but as my fear/respect for failure grows in strength, my focus is less likely to allow capture from this awful addiction.
What does failure have to do with people pleasing?
So I now fear failure. Why? Well, much of my frustration in life has been the result of this disease. I’ll go against every instinct in my body to please another human being and then pull my hair out in dismay when the result is the complete opposite of forward progress. It’s one thing to fail because you made a mistake, but when you miss out on opportunity because you were too busy trying to make things right with the world, you find a frustration that is not easily matched. Once this healthy respect for forward progress made its way into my mind, I started seeing the hold that people pleasing had on me, weaken and wither.
Losing Your Flavor
As individuals, we all have our own personal flavor. Some are sweet, some salty and others plain bitter. But as a people pleaser, because of our skill of going with the flow at all costs, we lose our flavor all together. We try to blend with every personality we come in contact with and as a result our own personality fades. What makes you, YOU, is your own blend of Yes’s and No’s. It’s our beliefs and values and preferences that give us our spice. Lose this and you lose yourself in the process. Before long, you end up forgetting what you’re all about. This can be a scary realization and one that should be harnessed to help push us out of our people pleasing ways.
Losing Proper Perception
Another thing we lose when blending in with the world around us is our ability to properly perceive a healthy need from a selfish desire. Just like children, adults need to be told no from time to time. If everyone got their way 100% of the time we’d be one messed up society (at least more messed up than we already are). So it’s our job as an individual to stand up for what we believe is right. If someone needs assistance and we can accurately determine the need to be sincere, it is our job to address that need if at all possible. Not necessarily to say yes every time (just because YOU are asked for help doesn’t mean that YOU are the one to help out), but to remain open to the assistance of others. But if someone selfishly requests our attention, it is equally imperative that we say no. The more we let others walk all over us, the less clarity we will have as we try and assess the needs around us. And there’s nothing worse than not being able to address a real need because our time is being consumed by our inability to say no to the squeaky wheels that surround us.
Signs of a People Pleaser
- Someone who says yes, even when their mind says no.
- Someone who is devastated when they think someone doesn’t like them.
- Someone who would rather feel personal pain than displease another.
- Someone who cringes at the first sign of friction.
- Someone who is willing to fail in the name of pleasing another.
- Someone who has lost their own sense of unique personality and belief.
- Someone who is not willing to speak up for themselves.
- Someone who loses sleep over the slightest altercation with another.
- Someone who feels out of control when they think another human being may disagree with what they’re doing.
- Someone who starts to see their desire to please others as a separate part of themselves. Separate from the rest of who they are as an individual.
Tips to break free from the shackles of people pleasing.
- Find a greater fear: As I stated earlier, the best way to overcome people pleasing is to “…find the source of the problem and then counteract it with its opposite and hopefully stronger sibling.” What is people pleasing keeping you from doing or being? Figure this out and then use that knowledge to find a stronger source of fear to feed on. As I mentioned earlier, this latter kind of fear should be the healthy kind. A respect that keeps us motivated.
- Stop saying yes until you can accurately separate the real need from the non-essential: After years of putting our YES reaction on autopilot, we may find it hard to determine the validity of the incoming requests. The only way I know to bring this barometer back to a balanced state is to go through a time of constant No’s. After a while it will become more clear when you are turning down a non-essential request and when a real need is not being addressed. During this process, be sure to remind yourself that even those valid needs that you are turning down will be addressed by another. Which leads me to my next tip…
- Let go of your need to control: Believe it or not, one of the strong characteristics of a people pleaser is the need to control EVERYTHING. If anything, our pleasing ways are nothing more than a subtle manipulation to retain control of the situation. We are trying to control what others think of us and how they act toward us. This leads us to feel that we are also responsible for every need that comes our way. I truly believe that each individual was made to assist others in specific ways. Therefore, it is impossible that we should take on each request that comes our way. Even those that are truly sincere and equally valid, are not necessarily the needs we are supposed to address. Over time, as we begin to see clearly once again, we will be able to accurately address those needs that are specific to our nature. The rest we will redirect elsewhere, confident that they were not meant for our attention. So let go of this idea that you can/will/should take on the troubles of the world and let go of this control that you think you have.
- Stop placing your peace of mind in the hands of others: I love it when I get in a flow of positive productivity. I’m knocking out task after task and I feel like I can take on anything. Then, all of a sudden, I have a conflict with another. Maybe they sent me a nasty email or maybe it was a phone call, but somehow I was given notice that they were not pleased with me. My world shrinks and my drive dwindles into nothingness. Out the windows goes my productivity as I place everything on hold to sulk at the situation. I lose sleep, my appetite and my clarity of thought. Only recently have I clearly seen the insanity of this silliness. Why am I placing my own peace of mind and future progress, in the hands of someone who may have just been having a bad day? This has got to stop and I/you are the only ones who can make this happen!
- Fill your desire to please with healthy opportunities to help others: One of the wonderful characteristics of the people pleaser is their honest desire to help others. Yes, we can be manipulative bastards, no doubt, but we truly DO want to help. The problem is that when we are ‘practicing people pleasers’ we are unhealthily distributing our assistance. This just keeps us unclear of the real needs around us and frustrated as we try to help. Instead of this madness, try to proactively address the needs that you see as necessary. Enjoy these moments and let them feed on your desire to help. Over time, this desire to care for another will be less out of control and you will find it MUCH easier to say no when no is the necessary word.
- Once again, PROACTIVE assistance: I just mentioned the word proactive in the previous tip. This is CRUCIAL! As people pleasers, we are so overwhelmed as we take on every request of assistance that comes our way, that we have no time or energy to address the issues that WE see as fit for our attention. Think about how CRAZY this is! What we are essentially doing is assuming that everyone else’s idea of our time well spent is more accurate that our own. We need to figure out for ourselves what needs we should be addressing and then go out and address them. Stop waiting for the world to dictate your attention and start attending to the needs you were meant to address.
Final Thoughts
I’m only just starting to break free from this debilitating disease. I have a long way to go and though I’m starting to feel the taste of real freedom, I remain partially captive to this struggle. This is MY attempt to proactively help others by hopefully sharing thoughts that are helpful in their journey to regain their personal freedom. If you are someone who struggles with any of the things mentioned above, by all means, share your thoughts in the comments and feel free to shoot me an email if that seems applicable.
I am a total people pleaser, and though it may have its occasional downfall, I find that far more often than not it is is one of the things that adds wind to my sails. I endeavor to please most everyone I meet. As a friend to many, father to two and husband, pleasing people is part of my daily existence. I just make sure I’m included in the list as well. It’s important to not forget about yourself. Once you do, your ability to please others will begin to dim. Having said that, I love being a people pleaser and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Writer Dad’s last blog post..Black and White
Hey Sean, I’m with you here. I certainly do appreciate the fact that I truly desire to make people happy. But as you said, this desire can get out of balance and get us in trouble. Keeping this in check is easier for some than others. Sounds like you’ve got a good handle on it (actually, I know you do.
) Eric
This ALMOST strikes a coord with me. I am an INFP type personality and definitely know what you’re talking about with regard to the fear of rejection. I have however gone too far in the other direction. In the interest of holding folks off and saying no until I know “what I want” I am currently paralyzed by inaction in many ways. I’m desperately bored at work and can’t seem to come up with a plan (again) go get unbored. This is a recurring pattern with me. I had no plans of baring my soul in a blog comment today but that should give you an indication of how much this is driving me nuts.
Frank Gilroy’s last blog post..7 Ways to Keep a New Blog on Technology Afloat
Hey Frank, I totally feel your frustration here! I struggle with cycles as well. I used to go through buying cycles where I would get obsessed with some new hobby and spend WAY too much money on it. Then I would purge it all on ebay and try to feel better about the whole thing. Then I would get bored and do it all over again. We’re addicted to chaos. It keeps us from getting bored. Plain and simple.
As silly as this may sound, I’ve found that eating less simple carbs (sugar especially) helps tame this tendency. It’s all linked to my ADHD. Crazy!
Eric
These are excellent tips for people pleasers! I think sometimes I need to be more of a people pleaser, haha. I do like to avoid friction and conflict which isn’t always good. Even though I wouldn’t consider myself a people pleaser, I definitely learned a lot from this post. Thank you!
Positively Present’s last blog post..when life gives you lemons…
Well I’m glad you enjoyed it, none the less.
Eric
Hi Eric,
Pleasing somebody else is a sure way to be miserable. Even though I know that, sometimes I find myself falling back into trying to please others to get the recognition. I need constant reminders to tell me to respect myself more and be brave enough to say no when I really wanted to say no. This is a detailed article and you must have taken quite an effort to write this. Thanks for sharing.
Cheers,
Vincent
Vincent’s last blog post..You Should Start Asking Questions Now
Hey Vincent, you hit the nail on the head when you said ‘recognition’. I like to refer to it as attention and this is definitely something I crave. Kind of like a toddler screaming for attention. Good points! Eric
Ouch – that hurt, I resonated with some much of this post it’s scary. People pleasing is indeed essentially selfish, but it’s easier to hide behind so called good motives than admit that I am a complete control freak.
Good timing as just today I finally came to the realization that perhaps people love me for being me, rather than love me for what I do. Big stuff for me. Of course it also means that if I stop doing stuff, some people that did only like me for what I did will fade away. Tough life lessons….
Thank you for a really thought provoking post for me.
I’m SO GLAD you connected with this post! Us control freaks have to stick together.
I’ve just recently transitioned away from 5 years as a computer consultant. As my old clients call for computer help they all speak to me as a friend. But once I tell them I no longer work on computers, many of them instantly change their tone. Suddenly it’s like we’ve never even met. They quickly end the conversation. Don’t get me wrong, this is totally understandable, but it also shows me which ones were purely interested in what I could do for them, period.
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with us!
Eric
Thanks! This is on ongoing issue for me as well, and your post is particularly timely for me. I love the flavor metaphor. One thing that’s been helpful for me is the concept of showing up–that is, showing up as my authentic self in my interactions with others. Another thing that’s been helpful is saying “let me sleep on that” to people’s requests for my help. Gives me time to evaluate. In any case, great post, much appreciated!
Kathleen Christensen’s last blog post..A Lost Opportunity
Hey Kathleen, I’m glad you liked the post!
Your ‘let me sleep on that’ point is spot on. As I read it I thought, “Shoot, I should have thought of that.”
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Eric
I think there’s another kind of people pleaser as well. The kind that says “YES” before he/she’s even asked.
An example, I used to spend hours cleaning the apartment so when my wife came home she’d be like “Wow!” Amazing.
But what I was really doing was avoiding the hard work I needed to do for myself. Business stuff. And covering it up by the praise I got when I did “the easy work.”
Now, we just have a dirty apartment
brian papa’s last blog post..White River Rapids
Hey Brian, great points! Isn’t it funny how manipulative we can be, even to ourselves. Our motives are rarely as pure as we present them.
“Now, we just have a dirty apartment.”
That made me smile.
Eric
I agree to many of the things you say, Eric.
Let me bring in a cultural angle to it. In some cultures, for exaple in my Malayalee (people from Kerala, South India), many a times, doing things in order to please others is not only important but also a duty, especially elders. Alright, times are chaging. Still elders command ‘respect’ in the Malayaale sense of the word and need to be please. If you don’t you’re considered badly brought up, disrespectful and lacking a basic quality needed for success – a reverence for people elder to you. In this case, you are often forced to satnd by simple instances of please. Does your concept apply only to Western audiences or the world?
I too suffer from a flimsy self-respect foundation based on the good feelings of others. It makes me dread others’ displeasure. But I do take my stands and be firm with others. But when it comes to something like taking an initiaitve, if at the planning stage the idea sounds flisy to someone, I feel discouraged.
Can you please write a post on failure? You mentioned it as your greater fear. I’m kind not worried about it…
Mat George’s last blog post..At the feet of the cross
Hey Mat, thanks for adding this point. Differently cultures certainly add a different dynamic that has to be considered.
After living in London for 7 months (in a large community of South Asians) I became very aware of this fact. I think the individual has to decide what’s right for them in the situation. As you stated, things are changing and I think many would argue that it’s both for the good AND the bad. Eric
People like that make me shudder. I keep them away from my social circle, I don’t want fake people.
You know, “Everybody lies”.
IvánPérez’s last blog post..Universal absurdity
I’m a bit confused by your comment. Could you elaborate? Eric
Hey Eric,
I can completely relate to this article! These days, I tend to like people that are more blunt and upfront with their feelings, and so I’ve tried to adopt this policy as well. Can’t please everyone!
Steve C | MyWifeQuitHerJob’s last blog post..Growing Pains That We Are Experiencing With Our Online Business
Hey Steve, that’s funny because I’ve recently started doing the same thing. Blunt personalities used to rub me the wrong way, but now I totally respect them and try to mimic the good qualities of being upfront with others.
Glad you could relate! Eric
Holy crap Eric, did you interview me without me knowing?
Seriously this post describes a lot of my personality and ensuing problems. It’s like the old adage of being too good for your own good. This disease as you so aptly put it has literally debilitated me, a couple of years ago I ended up having counselling which helped me understand what I was doing.
I’m still out for helping people but now I’m more into empowering them; teaching them to fish rather than fishing for them. Telling them what they need to hear rather than what they want to hear.
Great post Eric.
Marc’s last blog post..The Power of Positive Thinking
Ha Ha! Hey Marc, it sounds like you and I were cut from the same cloth.
I love your point about empowering vs helping. Very important distinction!
I’m glad you enjoyed the post and thanks for popping your head into to say hello. Eric
A very thorough and informative article. I am no doubt a people pleaser in the strictest sense so I can completely relate. I’ve been working on it, but as you said, it’s difficult and similar to an addiction. It’s not that I necessarily want people to like me, it’s just that I choose to limit the amount of friction around me. I like peace, but have realized that there are times when ultimate peace isn’t possible.
You know what’s helped me move along? Having kids. As a father, I have struggled saying no to my kids, but have also learned that most times it is in their interest when I say no.
Jake | Revive Your Life’s last blog post..Identifying and Overcoming Career Burnout
Hey Jake, two great points there.
One, I’m totally with you about wanting peace. I would definitely agree that it’s often that desire for peace, not the desire to be liked that drives my people pleasing ways.
Two, having kids should most definitely bring me to say no much more often. It should only be a few more days now and I’ll be able to try that out. Of course, saying no to a newborn may not have quite the same effect.
Eric
Hi Eric,
Great post – although I did come over hoping for a different one! Give Liz our love.
I’m with you and Marc on the empowering point. For example, with kids, it would be so much easier to do everything for them because we love them so much, but I try to empower them so they’ll be able to live their own lives and think their own thoughts as they grow. It’s helped wean me off being a people pleaser. It does kids – future adults – no good at all if they never hear a firm ‘no’ or learn that a ‘no’ doesn’t mean the same as ‘I don’t love you.’
It’s taken me years to be brave enough to set clear boundaries and respect other people’s without both of us doing the ‘fear of being rejected’ dance.
janice’s last blog post..A Touch of Grace
Hey Janice, no baby yet, but soon enough!
Yes, the word ‘NO’ needs to be dealt to more individuals, no doubt about it. I’m hoping that having a child will give me an even better perspective on this subject as many have stated.
Thanks for sharing thoughts, Janice, and I’ll let you know when the baby boy arrives.
Eric
Thanks, Eric. I’m trying very hard not to keep writing to ask! I’m not a casual kind of person and I’m excited! I think you’re both going to adore being parents and I look forward to watching him grow up!
janice’s last blog post..Writing to Connect: Does Your Writing Stink?
Hey Janice, little Tyson popped out this morning at 8:50am EST! He’s a handsome fella and grabbed my heart the second I laid eyes on him.
Eric
Congratulations to you both! Well it was nice to have met you Eric. See you in about 18 years
Marc’s last blog post..Don’t Let Your Anger Burn You
Ha Ha, thanks Marc!
Eric
I love the part about how each of us has our own flavor and our own unique perspective. I seriously need some kind of professional help for being a people pleaser! I feel encouraged though, recently I quit a job after only a few days. After the first two days I knew it wasn’t going to work for me. At first I felt like I had to stay and suffer because some friends recommended me for the job. But the thought of staying made me almost physically sick, so I just called them up and said “this isn’t a good fit for me”. I was surprised that it really was no big deal to any of my friends, or even the company. When friends heard why I left they said they didn’t blame me. It felt good to not suffer in silence over something that was making me miserable. The next day I found a job making much more money and a better fit. It was a lesson for me in being kind to myself and how everything will work out if I do.
Gayle’s last blog post..Feathering the Nest
Hey Gayle, that’s a great life lesson you just shared. As you put it, ‘being kind to ourselves’ is just as important as being kind to others. This is something us people pleasers easily miss or forget.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Eric
This was a wonderful article, Eric. I too,am a recovering people pleaser. There is an old adage that says, “If you want something done, ask a busy person.” I’d like to change that to say, “If you want something done, ask a people pleaser.”
I would say “yes, yes, yes” to every request for help with a huge smile on my face and a “no problem” on my lips. Then I would go home and pound a wall with my fist, crying because I just committed to one more thing that I had no time for.
The thing that cured me was having kids. I finally realized that every time I said “yes” to someone else, I was saying “no” to spending time with my kids. My kids wouldn’t grow up thinking of me as a saint who helped other people. They would grow up wondering why I loved everyone else but them. Big eye-opener.
I have learned to say no without feeling guilty. I no longer feel dejected if someone doesn’t “like” me. And my biggest lesson: Just because my phone rings does not constitute an obligation on my part to answer it.
And when IS your baby due?
Randi’s last blog post..Living a Scentered Life
Hey Randi, first, our baby is due on May 22nd, but the Dr. thinks it will be sooner. We’ll see. So far so good. Thanks for asking.
As for the post, you the third or forth person to mention having kids as a great remedy for the disease to please. The more I think about it the more it makes sense. Even being married and having a business makes my time valuable enough that saying yes comes at a great cost and that cost forces me to rethink my inability to say no.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Eric
Put in right words. Helping people is good but doing it just to get accepted is where lies the problem.
If you had noticed. It is our inability to take a ‘NO’ constructively and instead suffering a feeling of rejection is what motivates us to be people pleasers.
Rather if we constructively work on being positive and learn to take a ‘NO’ gracefully, we could avert this ‘People pleasing’ habit.
Great points Ganesh! I totally agree that being positive is a great proactive solution to learning to say no AND take no gracefully, as you put it.
Thanks for adding to the discussion. Eric
Wow, do you have any idea how…how…aaaaaaaahhhh….it feels to read this (please don’t take this wrong, ladies) since it was written by man? And then to see comments from other men who struggle with the same thing?
Context: I’ve always been told by the women in my life to suck it up and not care what others think; I’ve been told by the men in my life to be a man, stop being so sensitive and screw what others think.
But, I’ve lived my life worried about what others think, trying to please them, only to come up short and, frankly, in a lot of pain.
Very instructive recovery points in here, Eric.
Many, many, thanks. I’m having another moment of healing even as I write.
Chris’s last blog post..The Forgotten
Hey Chris, it makes me happy to read your words.
I’m totally with you here. I’ve always been a sensitive kind of guy and one who struggled with the fear of rejection, but it’s all about learning from our past and appreciating what we DO have. I’m sure you know what I mean when I say that being on the sensitive side really DOES have its advantages, we just have to learn how to better control it.
It’s funny, I actually had typed my own…aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! kind of phrase at one point in the post, but then deleted it. Thanks for putting it back into the conversation.
Eric
Great article, and great comments too!
You said: “I’m only just starting to break free from this debilitating disease”
Me too! I’ve become the IT “expert” in my office – not out of any real skill, just a natural consequence of being the only one who kind of grew up with computers
But I’m just starting to let go of the need to fix everyone’s little IT problems, and guess what, when I don’t immediately jump in and fix it, either a) the problem fixes itself, or b) the colleague with the problem randomly clicks things until they figure out how to fix it 
I agree that being a people pleaser has an element of being a control freak about it, I too am trying to channel this energy into more constructive behaviour.
BTW my DH does the same kind of IT work as you do and suffers similar issues!
Hey Bonnie, long time no see!
Yeah, I’ve had the same experience with tech stuff, no doubt. As you said, the problem almost always has a way of fixing itself. What I’ve come to realize about those kinds of ‘help requests’ is that when you rush into to help out every time, you’re just training people to seek your assistance the second something goes wrong. Just like little children, if you don’t show them a bit of tough love, they’ll never learn to fend for themselves. And I use the term tough love loosely as I have a little love for many of those who used to bug the crap out of me for tech help!
Anyway, good to hear I’m not alone, espeically that your DH goes through the same stuff as well. As always, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Eric295a8c
I’m no longer a people pleaser. I quit in my 30’s. I don’t have time to please everyone nor do I want too. Great article and good for you for taking action and making the change Eric. Hey do we have a baby yet?
Tess The Bold Life’s last blog post..Mackenzie Bold and Beautiful
Good for you Tess! I’m 30 right now and I’m seeing the light.
No baby yet, but we’re hoping any day now…Eric
It’s a good point, I think it’s really important that your actions have to please you as well as the other person most of the time. Every now and again you can break the rule but generally it has to be a win win situation, otherwise you just burn out and become cynical and bitter.
No doubt we need to break the rule now and again. Selfless acts don’t always benefit both parties. At lest not in the common worldly way. But you’re totally right that for the most part, burnout is imminent. Great points! Eric
Eric,
“The fact is, when we try to please everybody, we end up pleasing nobody.”
I’m not a people pleaser but I know plenty of them. The fact of the matter is that trying to please people sets an expectation that cannot often be met. It frustrates the pleaser and the pleasee. Different strokes for different folks I guess. I wish you well in your effort to escape this problem and I truly see it as a problem. For some reason I get along with most people and have tons of good relationships, even though I’m not at all a people pleaser. Go figure.
Stephen – Rat Race Trap’s last blog post..Your Brain on Food and Supplements – Dopamine
Hey Stephen, that doesn’t surprise me at all. There’s certainly no connection between being a people pleaser and pleasing people. As you pointed out, it’s just plain annoying for both parties. I’m glad to hear you don’t struggle with it and yet still recognize it a as a real problem. Eric
Very good post! Ultimately, there is only one person we have to please and that is ourself. If we truly persue our passions, our energy and love will spill over into everything we do and we will make others happy without being “people pleasers.”
Martha
Martha Giffen’s last blog post..Dolly Parton Punch
Hey Martha, that’s a great point! If we don’t first take care of ourselves we will most certainly NOT please those around us.
Thanks for sharing that insight. Eric
I once read that people treat us how we teach them to treat us. So… if one is constantly pleasing others even at their own detriment, they are essentially teaching others to continue to ask for favors.
And here’s the irony… I think that people who aren’t people pleasers… who say no when appropriate and stick to their guns are precisely those people who are admired the most. That’s a great irony and a true one.
Just ask yourself who you admire most and I bet for most of us… it will be someone who isn’t a people pleaser.
Bamboo Forest – PunIntended’s last blog post..Why You Should Accept Everything in Life Just the Way it is
Another point… that I forgot to include is that if we please people, yet internally resent what we’re doing that is going to eventually express itself in some way. Much wiser to say no when we believe it is the right thing to do. Saying no when we should be saying no precludes the resentment that would otherwise be created. And that resentment can lead to problems with the relationship.
Bamboo Forest – PunIntended’s last blog post..Why You Should Accept Everything in Life Just the Way it is
Very wise statement, Daniel Son!
Seriously, excellent points! I would have to completely agree that those I respect the most are certainly not those who can’t say no.
One minor correction would be to point out that it’s not necessarily NON-people pleasers that are admirable in your scenario, but non-PRACTICING people pleasers. I think there’s a big difference. Many who have people pleasing tendencies have learned to overcome them and ’stick to their guns’, as you put it.
Thanks for adding some meaty comments to the discussion. Eric
I love your idea of looking for a greater fear – it’s exactly what I did to get over my people-pleasing disease. I learned that avoiding conflict and people-pleasing only created more conflict, so the fear of real conflict rather than superficial in the moment conflict has pushed me to do what I want to and not aim to please everyone all the time.
Of course I still quake when I feel that I’ve upset someone.
Hey Alex, I’m glad we came to the same conclusion here. And as you point out at the end, those who are recovered people pleasers don’t necessarily stop feeling the the disease, we just stop letting those feelings control our actions. Eric
@ Eric: You write: “Many who have people pleasing tendencies have learned to overcome them and ’stick to their guns”
Very good point.
Bamboo Forest – PunIntended’s last blog post..Why You Should Accept Everything in Life Just the Way it is
Why thank you.
Eric
Hi, thanks for a fascinating article. I actually squirmed when I read the bit about being willing to fail to please another. I actually use to play badly at cards to let my Mum win. I am such a people pleaser I’m almost embarrassed now I see it’s actually a need to control. My Mum wouldn’t dream of asking my sister to do anything for her as she is very impatient – I on the other hand lap up the chance to please her yet feel angry and put-upon deep down.
I’m working on decluttering my home at the moment, then I intend to declutter myself and my mindset so I will be back for more tips
Thanks for the inspiration to change!
Polly’s last blog post..Garage
Hey Polly, I actually did a bit of squirming while writing it.
I’m glad you could relate. Thanks for taking the time to read and share your thoughts. Eric
Hi,
I recently discovered your blog. When I read the first paragraph of this post, I knew EXACTLY what you were talking about. It was uncanny how much I related to your words. I’ve always knew this about myself in a vague way with bits and pieces of insight here and there. But you unified this experience in a coherent way. Thank you.
Vi | Maximizing Utility’s last blog post..Safe Haven
I’m so glad you could relate like this. It often times takes hearing it from someone else to solidify it in our own minds. Thanks for sharing this.
Eric
Hi Eric…I am a first time reader, brought over by your ad on Zen Habits. What an amazingly thought provoking post. I am a 42 year mother of four and this is a real issue for me. You have managed to break down this issue in ways that are really eye-opening to me and I’ll be thinking of your words for a long time to come.
Thank you!!
Kelly
Hey Kelly, I’m so glad you connected with the post! I know how damaging a problem like people pleasing can be. It can really be a life sucker! I really hope you’re able to use my words to break some of the boundaries you’ve make for yourself as a people pleaser. I’m still struggling myself, so we’ll be fighting it together!
Eric
Great article.
My name is Jared, and I’m a recovering people pleaser (among other things;-).
As you mentioned Eric, people pleasing was a selfish act in a sense, although I sincerely thought I wanted the best for others. It was motivated from a need to be accepted, as I compared my insides to my perception of how I thought others perceived me.
I’ve also learned to not always try and rescue people I see in pain. Although it hurts to see them suffer, pain is a great motivator. It was for me.
Once I learned to accept myself, after severe pain and being forced to try something different, did I find self love. And therefore less of a need to find acceptance outside myself.
I too do some freelance web design/development, and used to struggle a lot with trying to please my clients… working for free many times because I doubted my abilities. I’ve realized how valuable my time is today and tell people up front what I charge and what they will get for their money. If its outside the scope, I tell them and charge them.
Not until the pain of doing things the same way outweighed the fear of trying something new, was I able to make a real change. Today, I live a life based on a set of spiritual principals. I wake up each morning and pray for guidance. When stuck, I ask for help, and I don’t make promises I know I can’t keep. At night, I review my day and know I did the best I could. I see where I can improve and determine if I need to make any amends. This allows me to please my conscience, which is God.
Jared | SpiritualZen.net’s last blog post..What Everybody Ought to Know About Action vs. Intention
Great insight, Jared! I especially appreciate your words on the web design/client issues and resolutions. You mentioned how you doubted your abilities and I do this ALL THE TIME! I know I’m good at what I do, but there’s just something about the POSSIBILITY of failing or not meeting the expectations of another that keep me on the defense.
I really appreciate you taking the time to share this! Eric
Thank you for writing this post. Now I know that I am not alone. I’ve been battling this issue since adolescence. I always felt like I was being taken advantage of by my family and close friends, but I know that it was only because I conditioned them to automatically think I would say “yes” to every request. I started exercising my NO muscle. It took some time to get used to it, especially since I wasn’t…Now it just rolls off the tongue and I don’t feel bad for rejecting other people’s requests.
Hey Audrey, you’re definitely NOT alone on this one! I’m glad to hear that you got something out of this post and that you’re growing through this and not continuing to be controlled by it.
I certainly still struggle with it, but like you I’m working in a positive direction.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us. Eric
“But the fact is, people pleasing isn’t about pleasing others, but fending off our fear of rejection”
- I couldn’t agree more. In fact, wanting to please people may even make you end up doing the wrong things.
Anthony’s last blog post..Arizona jobs
Very true and very well said! Eric
This is awesome, I agree that those who are people pleasers will understand it, makes me more free now. thanks
Glad you enjoyed it and took something positive away from it.
Eric
Wonderful post!
I use your posts for my productivity emails within my work place. It has really helped some of my colleagues in not only our work development but personal as well.
I totally relate to this post and I thank you for writing it. I am a total people please and its exactly for the reason stated: acceptance.
I like your last tip about being proactive. I have recently started my own blog Lemonade 25 Cents for this reason. I love motivating other people. I have thisi strong desire in me to really improve others. I am no where near perfect, but in this journey through life I am learning a lot and I think it’d be selfish to keep it to myself. Through that I am being proactive and satisfying my desire to help others. However I am doing in a healthy way, one that not only helps others, but also helps me as well.
Kudos to you! ^5
-Tupieta
Tupieta’s last blog post..Who I Am
Thanks Tupieta, I really appreciate that vote of confidence!
It sounds like you have a similar desire as I do and I’m glad you’re using that drive to help others. I really hope the best for you blog and that you’ll find a wonderful audience to share your thoughts and ideas with.
Eric
I read this article when you first posted it. It helped me recognize my people pleasing tendancies through my awareness of “the signs”. I’m already noticing positive changes . Thanks much.
Michael’s last blog post..Picture This: Day 8. In 55 Words
Hey Michael, I really appreciate you letting me know this. I always love to hear I’m making a positive impact with my writing.
Eric
After reading this post, I felt this is my story and without adding any extra effort I have improved a lot and started feeling some changes. I don’t feel that pain and suffering in order to live up to others expectations. I have stopped doing public service and help people only when they really need me, instead of feeling that they need my help all the time. I feel more free now and less responsible for others and biggest of all I feel the FREEDOM.
Thanks a lot Eric. I guess this is one thing in my life which I should have learnt earlier, but better late then never.
I’m so glad you benefited from the post! And you’re right, it’s a very freeing experience. Eric
wow. My jaw was dropping as I kept reading this. Honestly I just stumbled upon your post from a google search of ‘why am i a people pleaser’, and then to see something hit home in so much detail, kinda weird. I feel like for ages I’ve been fighting to keep my head above water, dealing with avoiding conflict of my own and also conflict between people that i’m dealing with (borrowing trouble). When my head’s miraculously/randomly above water, I can carry on with my job, my life, education, relationships, attain goals, no problem. But when i slip back in to bad habits again, it’s like partial drowning. Strange way to explain it, but that’s how it feels to me. Just this evening I was working for over an hour (!) on an email to two people that I do volunteer work with, trying to resolve an issue that wasn’t even mine to begin with!! Finally it was like a breakthrough – i just said out loud to myself – this is not MY problem, why am I so uptight??!! (Volunteer work – a whole ‘nother chapter right there. Guess who wins the Miss Dependable award?)
It’s interesting that you brought up the control aspect, too. I never connected the two… but i’m painfully aware of my controlling/perfectionistic tendencies.
A few more comments —
Have to practice saying no. Seems like it’s a foreign word sometimes, so we literally/physically need to practice it (in a mirror, or with a trusted friend) until it feels less foreign – “No, I don’t have time right now”, “No, I don’t agree with you”, or whatever. (Shades of SNL’s Stuart Smalley!) I attended a meeting once led by a man from Zig Ziglar’s group and he talked quite a bit about the daily affirmation practices he did in the mirror and how effective they were. Motivation / Repetition, it works.
The root of Procrastination – maybe the extra baggage I take on when pleasing others is what’s putting me so behind in my own work, ‘making me’ be late or barely getting things done in time? I do get presentations finished, I do get to the airport on time, I do pass the exams, but there are more laaaaaate nights and anxious stomach-aches than I ever care to admit.
Or — does procrastination instead stem from a fear of failure, to such a degree that I’m in a state of paralyzed deer-in-the-headlights inertia until I can’t stand it anymore (like my hour-long emails) or until the very last possible minute? I’ve long thought that I had a sick addiction to the last-minute adrenaline rush. But maybe instead I’ve been subconsciously painting myself into a corner until there’s one, and only one, way out, so I ride that adrenaline wave and do my best and convince myself later that that best effort on the only way out was a good one, after all; that I didn’t fail, that this procrastination method IS painful but by golly it worked one more time. It’s a bad habit but it’s the only one I know. ?
Choice of words: the self-esteem, fear of failure, people-pleasing connections — I’ve become more and more aware of this lately. Mostly it’s in email but I notice it in conversation, too. “I think”; “in my opinion”; “I just wanted to remind you”, “it seems like”; “may i suggest”; “have you considered”; etc etc. Internally as I’m typing those words I’m over-sensitive to them, like far-be-it-from-me to say something definitive, declarative or bold to the other person, because it might piss someone off or it might be wrong (!). Of course these phrases do have their place many times in professional/polite conversation and in email, for sure, but I feel like I’m using them to tip-toe around topics.
Thanks again – so therapeutic to see your words and finally get mine written down !
A very insightful comment to say the least. You really hit on some things I struggle with as well. I’m the king of last minute adrenaline. It’s what get’s me to finally act. I attribute much of this to my ADHD. My lack of natural frontal cortex stimulation that requires me to orchestrate the “almost didn’t get that done” kind of situation that gets that necessary adrenaline flowing.
And yes, I beat around the bush and tip toe all the time! I like the way you put it, “far-be-it-from-me to say something definitive, declarative or bold to the other person”. It’s like we feel the need to cover ourselves in case we happen to be wrong. I say, “most likely” or “there’s a good chance” all the time. Nothing set in stone. It’s like I’m giving my opinion in such a way that gives me a way out in case I’m wrong or (here’s the real people pleaser mindset) in case I’m perceived to be wrong. That’s even worse to a people pleaser.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I enjoyed reading your insights. Now keep pushing past this paralyzing disease to please and be yourself. Do what you think is best, say what you mean and mean what you say and when you’re wrong, learn from it and move on. Oh, and when someone isn’t pleased with you, tell them to take a number and get in line. The only people who please all people all the time are those who never truly live out their own convictions.
Eric
Thank you, Eric.