Comments on: Is People Pleasing Keeping You From Pleasing The Right People? http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/ Motivation, Personal Development and Productivity Sun, 14 Mar 2010 05:45:52 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: Eric Hamm http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/comment-page-1/#comment-11611 Eric Hamm Wed, 16 Dec 2009 16:12:47 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-11611 Sure thing. Glad you found my advise to be helpful. :-) Eric Sure thing. Glad you found my advise to be helpful. :-) Eric

]]> By: Halys http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/comment-page-1/#comment-11603 Halys Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:18:40 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-11603 Thank you so much for that Eric and your right, I already know what I know and I am going to stop caring about this girl and I will keep this in mind for any situations that may arise in the future. Thanks again and what a quick reply, fantastic!!!! Thank you so much for that Eric and your right, I already know what I know and I am going to stop caring about this girl and I will keep this in mind for any situations that may arise in the future. Thanks again and what a quick reply, fantastic!!!!

]]> By: Eric Hamm http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/comment-page-1/#comment-11600 Eric Hamm Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:49:35 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-11600 You're probably an easy target if you're naturally a people pleaser and the other piece of advice I can give is WHO CARES WHAT SHE THINKS!! See, that's one of our biggest problems as people pleasers. We want EVERYONE to like us and if/when we find someone who doesn't it drives us crazy! The best remedy for a situation like this is to accept the possibility that this person doesn't like you and then stop caring. Quit picking apart every situation to see how she is with you to determine what you already know. She has some kind of issue with you and that's HER PROBLEM! Does that make sense? And the crazy thing is, it's usually when we finally stop caring and that other person realizes that they no longer get to us, that they gain some respect for us and either stop bothering us or even try to befriend us. Either way they have the problem, not you. At least that's my 2 cents. :-) Eric You’re probably an easy target if you’re naturally a people pleaser and the other piece of advice I can give is WHO CARES WHAT SHE THINKS!!

See, that’s one of our biggest problems as people pleasers. We want EVERYONE to like us and if/when we find someone who doesn’t it drives us crazy! The best remedy for a situation like this is to accept the possibility that this person doesn’t like you and then stop caring. Quit picking apart every situation to see how she is with you to determine what you already know. She has some kind of issue with you and that’s HER PROBLEM! Does that make sense?

And the crazy thing is, it’s usually when we finally stop caring and that other person realizes that they no longer get to us, that they gain some respect for us and either stop bothering us or even try to befriend us. Either way they have the problem, not you.

At least that’s my 2 cents. :-) Eric

]]> By: Halys http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/comment-page-1/#comment-11599 Halys Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:34:33 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-11599 I think this post has hit 'People Pleasing' on the head. I am a culprit of people pleasing but over time I have come to realize whom my real friends are from this. As I am getting older I am getting stronger in being more opinionated and sticking up for myself at work but I do still struggle now again and outside of work with friends of friends. For instance, there is the girl whom I met through my best friend who has a very controlling nature, we have all been out a few times and I've come to realize that she has a big problem with me, she constantly says she loves my outfit and where I got it from, when there are another ten other woman in the same room but she pin points me every time. I noticed her giving me a stinking look when I was talking to a bloke I knew from school whom she was briefly talking to before hand and then the other day my boyfriend gave my friend and this girl and her friend a lift to a club and then we saw her out last weekend and she said hello to all my friends and blatantly ignored me. This I found so frustrating and rude and afterwards I was more annoyed with myself as I didn't say anything to her and when she went I went off on one in front of my other friends, which I might add they have never seam me like before. I know not everyone is going to like you but I have done nothing wrong to this girl and to be honest I can't say I have actually been a people pleaser towards her. My friends say she is jealous of me or she could fancy me as she is bi-sexual????? Or is it because she can see I am an easy target????? I don't know? Help!!!!!! Thanks guys I think this post has hit ‘People Pleasing’ on the head. I am a culprit of people pleasing but over time I have come to realize whom my real friends are from this. As I am getting older I am getting stronger in being more opinionated and sticking up for myself at work but I do still struggle now again and outside of work with friends of friends. For instance, there is the girl whom I met through my best friend who has a very controlling nature, we have all been out a few times and I’ve come to realize that she has a big problem with me, she constantly says she loves my outfit and where I got it from, when there are another ten other woman in the same room but she pin points me every time. I noticed her giving me a stinking look when I was talking to a bloke I knew from school whom she was briefly talking to before hand and then the other day my boyfriend gave my friend and this girl and her friend a lift to a club and then we saw her out last weekend and she said hello to all my friends and blatantly ignored me. This I found so frustrating and rude and afterwards I was more annoyed with myself as I didn’t say anything to her and when she went I went off on one in front of my other friends, which I might add they have never seam me like before. I know not everyone is going to like you but I have done nothing wrong to this girl and to be honest I can’t say I have actually been a people pleaser towards her.

My friends say she is jealous of me or she could fancy me as she is bi-sexual????? Or is it because she can see I am an easy target????? I don’t know? Help!!!!!!

Thanks guys

]]> By: Maggie http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/comment-page-1/#comment-10729 Maggie Wed, 25 Nov 2009 22:07:04 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-10729 Hi Eric, many thanks for your reply and it makes perfect sense. I just guess that i had gotten to the point where i didn't know if i had any genuine empathy for others or not. My people pleasing addiction dictated everything, like every addiction it demands a certain kind of behaviour (with the end result of the 'i'm liked and there was no friction' box being ticked) and you just go along with it regardless, all the while knowing something is dreadfully awry. Feeling drained and eventually afraid of people isn't healthy, you feel trapped and everywhere you turn is a dead end - created by yourself. My counteracting fear is now: THIS COULD BE LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Beleive me, it is a good one. I have already found the resourses inside me to change a work situation that was just plain wrong and have taken many steps back from certain people. Everything in good time though, i don't want to lose some otherwise good people in my life. I have also just returned from a meditation class so i can finally get to know the real me! I'll let you know how i get on but many thanks for your wonderful site, By the way, i'm a Londoner, which part did you stay in? Maggie Hi Eric, many thanks for your reply and it makes perfect sense. I just guess that i had gotten to the point where i didn’t know if i had any genuine empathy for others or not. My people pleasing addiction dictated everything, like every addiction it demands a certain kind of behaviour (with the end result of the ‘i’m liked and there was no friction’ box being ticked) and you just go along with it regardless, all the while knowing something is dreadfully awry. Feeling drained and eventually afraid of people isn’t healthy, you feel trapped and everywhere you turn is a dead end – created by yourself. My counteracting fear is now: THIS COULD BE LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Beleive me, it is a good one. I have already found the resourses inside me to change a work situation that was just plain wrong and have taken many steps back from certain people. Everything in good time though, i don’t want to lose some otherwise good people in my life. I have also just returned from a meditation class so i can finally get to know the real me! I’ll let you know how i get on but many thanks for your wonderful site, By the way, i’m a Londoner, which part did you stay in?

Maggie

]]> By: Eric Hamm http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/comment-page-1/#comment-10674 Eric Hamm Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:09:54 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-10674 Hey Maggie, sorry for the belated reply to your great question. To get straight to the point, it sounds like you're losing people's respect and, as you pointed out, your flavor, when you put all the focus on others. As much as people like to talk about themselves they also respect those who have something unique/interesting to say as well. You need to make others feel like they need to earn your interest; at least a little. I think people need a bit of a challenge when earning attention and if it's just given out for free as you've explained, they may just decide you're not worth their time. I know this may sound harsh and it definitely makes others sound selfish, but the fact is, WE ARE SELFISH! You know? I mean, we're selfish people and you sound like someone who genuinely cares for others. So my advise would be to just do what you think is right and not let others' reactions effect yours. If you're losing your flavor, get it back, but don't do anything for the sake of trying to win respect from what sound like a bunch of selfish individuals. Does any of this make sense or am I just rambling like a fool? :-) Eric Hey Maggie, sorry for the belated reply to your great question.

To get straight to the point, it sounds like you’re losing people’s respect and, as you pointed out, your flavor, when you put all the focus on others. As much as people like to talk about themselves they also respect those who have something unique/interesting to say as well.

You need to make others feel like they need to earn your interest; at least a little. I think people need a bit of a challenge when earning attention and if it’s just given out for free as you’ve explained, they may just decide you’re not worth their time.

I know this may sound harsh and it definitely makes others sound selfish, but the fact is, WE ARE SELFISH! You know? I mean, we’re selfish people and you sound like someone who genuinely cares for others.

So my advise would be to just do what you think is right and not let others’ reactions effect yours. If you’re losing your flavor, get it back, but don’t do anything for the sake of trying to win respect from what sound like a bunch of selfish individuals.

Does any of this make sense or am I just rambling like a fool? :-) Eric

]]> By: Eric Hamm http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/comment-page-1/#comment-10673 Eric Hamm Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:01:58 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-10673 You're welcome. :-) Eric You’re welcome. :-) Eric

]]> By: Maggie http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/comment-page-1/#comment-10601 Maggie Sat, 21 Nov 2009 16:57:54 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-10601 Eric, thanks for your site, my question is this: i am genuinely interested in other people so i always ask them about their lives and try to get to know them, this is almost never reciprocated so we end up with a monologue situation, ie, constantly about them. If i say something about myself, they look blank, almost bewildered and just grunt a response. I'm sick to death of it and getting disalussioned with people, they also tend to try and domiante me, just because i don't try and dominate them. Is this the only dynamic for human relationships? I'm fed up. I feel like i've totally lost my flavour. Eric, thanks for your site, my question is this: i am genuinely interested in other people so i always ask them about their lives and try to get to know them, this is almost never reciprocated so we end up with a monologue situation, ie, constantly about them. If i say something about myself, they look blank, almost bewildered and just grunt a response. I’m sick to death of it and getting disalussioned with people, they also tend to try and domiante me, just because i don’t try and dominate them. Is this the only dynamic for human relationships? I’m fed up. I feel like i’ve totally lost my flavour.

]]> By: Frank http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/comment-page-1/#comment-10153 Frank Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:18:40 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-10153 Thank you, Eric. Thank you, Eric.

]]> By: Eric Hamm http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/comment-page-1/#comment-9423 Eric Hamm Sat, 24 Oct 2009 13:19:15 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-9423 A very insightful comment to say the least. You really hit on some things I struggle with as well. I'm the king of last minute adrenaline. It's what get's me to finally act. I attribute much of this to my ADHD. My lack of natural frontal cortex stimulation that requires me to orchestrate the "almost didn't get that done" kind of situation that gets that necessary adrenaline flowing. And yes, I beat around the bush and tip toe all the time! I like the way you put it, "far-be-it-from-me to say something definitive, declarative or bold to the other person". It's like we feel the need to cover ourselves in case we happen to be wrong. I say, "most likely" or "there's a good chance" all the time. Nothing set in stone. It's like I'm giving my opinion in such a way that gives me a way out in case I'm wrong or (here's the real people pleaser mindset) in case I'm perceived to be wrong. That's even worse to a people pleaser. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I enjoyed reading your insights. Now keep pushing past this paralyzing disease to please and be yourself. Do what you think is best, say what you mean and mean what you say and when you're wrong, learn from it and move on. Oh, and when someone isn't pleased with you, tell them to take a number and get in line. The only people who please all people all the time are those who never truly live out their own convictions. Eric A very insightful comment to say the least. You really hit on some things I struggle with as well. I’m the king of last minute adrenaline. It’s what get’s me to finally act. I attribute much of this to my ADHD. My lack of natural frontal cortex stimulation that requires me to orchestrate the “almost didn’t get that done” kind of situation that gets that necessary adrenaline flowing.

And yes, I beat around the bush and tip toe all the time! I like the way you put it, “far-be-it-from-me to say something definitive, declarative or bold to the other person”. It’s like we feel the need to cover ourselves in case we happen to be wrong. I say, “most likely” or “there’s a good chance” all the time. Nothing set in stone. It’s like I’m giving my opinion in such a way that gives me a way out in case I’m wrong or (here’s the real people pleaser mindset) in case I’m perceived to be wrong. That’s even worse to a people pleaser.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I enjoyed reading your insights. Now keep pushing past this paralyzing disease to please and be yourself. Do what you think is best, say what you mean and mean what you say and when you’re wrong, learn from it and move on. Oh, and when someone isn’t pleased with you, tell them to take a number and get in line. The only people who please all people all the time are those who never truly live out their own convictions.

Eric

]]>