Comments on: Is People Pleasing Keeping You From Pleasing The Right People? http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/ Your Freedom Depends On It! Mon, 07 May 2012 20:03:11 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Anna http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/#comment-3310 Anna Fri, 27 Apr 2012 22:26:23 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-3310 I'm confused.....whether I am a strong individualist or a people pleaser...., I do want people to like and accept me and I tend to do things for them , often when I can't or don't agree with a certain cituation but on the other hand I am this person who has her own strong opinions to teh point that I get in conflict my my coworkers. Just last nigt I thought how many people I got in conflict with, I seem to feel better worker when I don't have to work with other people much. But still...I like to please them. So what's wrong here with me? And also...., my boyfriend (12 years together) says yes to anyone and to everything excpt when it's me who asks for a favour or for some fun together -going out, hiking, NOT watching TV, etc. So why is it that he ALWAYS says yes to other people and he ALWAYS does things for them, but all the "NOs" in his life I get to hear...............It's so sad. HELP! I’m confused…..whether I am a strong individualist or a people pleaser…., I do want people to like and accept me and I tend to do things for them , often when I can’t or don’t agree with a certain cituation but on the other hand I am this person who has her own strong opinions to teh point that I get in conflict my my coworkers. Just last nigt I thought how many people I got in conflict with, I seem to feel better worker when I don’t have to work with other people much. But still…I like to please them. So what’s wrong here with me?

And also…., my boyfriend (12 years together) says yes to anyone and to everything excpt when it’s me who asks for a favour or for some fun together -going out, hiking, NOT watching TV, etc. So why is it that he ALWAYS says yes to other people and he ALWAYS does things for them, but all the “NOs” in his life I get to hear……………It’s so sad. HELP!

]]> By: Lena http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/#comment-3241 Lena Fri, 06 Apr 2012 22:07:52 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-3241 Thank you so much for this post. I was reduced to tears throughout. I've just touched on my people-pleasing habits with my therapist and feel like I've worked out what was dragging me down for the last 10+ years (I'm 26 years old now). Thanks again :-) Thank you so much for this post. I was reduced to tears throughout. I’ve just touched on my people-pleasing habits with my therapist and feel like I’ve worked out what was dragging me down for the last 10+ years (I’m 26 years old now).
Thanks again :-)

]]> By: Elle http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/#comment-3173 Elle Wed, 29 Feb 2012 06:57:35 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-3173 This is what I typed in a search to try and find some kind of relief from my crushed spirit tonight: sensitive nature, people pleaser, devastated, help Christian. And look where I find myself! All the things you have described I also claim and I am grateful to find others in the same straits as myself and the possibility of some relief. Did anything horrific happen tonight to make me feel this way? No! Just a series of little coincidental blows that make me smaller and smaller until there is nothing left of critical, logical thinking. Everything rides on a word from someone else, or some other absurd qualifying factor to make my world right. Enough already. Thank you for your practical sense. This is what I typed in a search to try and find some kind of relief from my crushed spirit tonight: sensitive nature, people pleaser, devastated, help Christian. And look where I find myself! All the things you have described I also claim and I am grateful to find others in the same straits as myself and the possibility of some relief. Did anything horrific happen tonight to make me feel this way? No! Just a series of little coincidental blows that make me smaller and smaller until there is nothing left of critical, logical thinking. Everything rides on a word from someone else, or some other absurd qualifying factor to make my world right. Enough already. Thank you for your practical sense.

]]> By: Amy Carroll http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/#comment-3171 Amy Carroll Sun, 26 Feb 2012 09:18:51 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-3171 Hi Eric, I'm only 19 years old but I'm a born and bred people pleaser. My issues today mainly revolve around the demands of my controlling father and the rejection I receive when I can't be the daughter he wants. I feel like my parents have set me on this path of such need for acceptance. I often wonder not how did I become this way? But instead how could I not be this way? I'm only young but I feel so exhausted from this disease. I've even put my financial future on the line for my dear old dad. How crazy is that? Amy. Hi Eric,
I’m only 19 years old but I’m a born and bred people pleaser. My issues today mainly revolve around the demands of my controlling father and the rejection I receive when I can’t be the daughter he wants. I feel like my parents have set me on this path of such need for acceptance. I often wonder not how did I become this way? But instead how could I not be this way? I’m only young but I feel so exhausted from this disease. I’ve even put my financial future on the line for my dear old dad. How crazy is that?
Amy.

]]> By: Sharon http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/#comment-3161 Sharon Fri, 27 Jan 2012 20:17:29 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-3161 Eric, I greatly appreciate your time & energy put into creating this blog, which I just discovered today! It is a very beneficial resource, which both informs & allows People Pleasers a place to be heard. Wish I had been aware of it while I was holding my telesummit: People Pleasers Recovery Time: Lifeline to Reclaim You! I would have invited you to be a guest speaker. Your blog is an excellent, initial step for awareness, acknowledgment, and acceptance. The bottom line for People Pleasers who are not at Peace in their lives is take further action steps to develop Self Love. It becomes the People Pleasers' responsibility to make changes to move from where they are to where they be. In other words, to create a more desired lifestyle. It's a choice! Otherwise, People Pleasers' may become full of resentment & unforgiveness, which are now scientifically linked to cancer. Also, they could face a nervous breakdown, parent or job burnout etc. This makes it important to make their time & energy a priority knowing that isn't selfish, rather self preservation. A next step if I may suggest, is for a People Pleaser is to pay attention to their thoughts & beliefs. By doing this it should become evident how & what self talk, beliefs etc. they may want to eliminate/change. Changing the thought process produces different behaviors. Therapy may or may not be needed. What is definitely need if one can not accomplish this alone is empowerment & support from friends, family or maybe even a Life Coach! Keep up the great healing your words provide here! Sincerely in Spirit, Sharon Eric,
I greatly appreciate your time & energy put into creating this blog, which I just discovered today! It is a very beneficial resource, which both informs & allows People Pleasers a place to be heard.
Wish I had been aware of it while I was holding my telesummit: People Pleasers Recovery Time: Lifeline to Reclaim You! I would have invited you to be a guest speaker.
Your blog is an excellent, initial step for awareness, acknowledgment, and acceptance.
The bottom line for People Pleasers who are not at Peace in their lives is take further action steps to develop Self Love. It becomes the People Pleasers’ responsibility to make changes to move from where they are to where they be. In other words, to create a more desired lifestyle. It’s a choice! Otherwise, People Pleasers’ may become full of resentment & unforgiveness, which are now scientifically linked to cancer. Also, they could face a nervous breakdown, parent or job burnout etc. This makes it important to make their time & energy a priority knowing that isn’t selfish, rather self preservation. A next step if I may suggest, is for a People Pleaser is to pay attention to their thoughts & beliefs. By doing this it should become evident how & what self talk, beliefs etc. they may want to eliminate/change. Changing the thought process produces different behaviors. Therapy may or may not be needed. What is definitely need if one can not accomplish this alone is empowerment & support from friends, family or maybe even a Life Coach!
Keep up the great healing your words provide here!
Sincerely in Spirit,
Sharon

]]> By: dg http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/#comment-3160 dg Mon, 23 Jan 2012 22:21:58 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-3160 This is a very nice article with lots of great information. My wife was a chronic people pleaser, and to make things worse, she is also pathologically shy. I didn't really know this when we were married twenty years ago and for the first 12 years of our marriage it caused huge problems in all areas. Somehow her people pleasing would often involve me as a reluctant participant; can't tell you how many times she has accepting a friend's useless crap that I just have to end up taking to the dump; or how about time time she volunteered to coach our daughter's soccer team and then asked me to take over because she doesn't know anything about soccer. The list is long. Her shyness caused huge problems in all areas of our marriage. She was simply unable or incapable of speaking her mind on anything, be it where to go for dinner or complex stuff like politics. Whenever I would ask for her input I would be met with a wall of silence. I had considered walking out many times because I wanted to be married to an equal partner and she seemed incapable of being that equal partner. Somewhere around 7 or 8 years ago, after being met with the wall of silence for the 10,000th time, I basically gave her an ultimatum. Either figure out how to be an equal partner and focus on how to make our marriage more productive (i.e. significantly reduce the people pleasing and shyness) or our marriage is over. In my mind, the ultimatum was just window dressing, as I had already conceded that the marriage was over. To my surprise, however, what happened was almost a marriage miracle. Within a month of my ultimatum, she significantly reduced her take home work, she began telling me what she wants and needs, she began to tell me when she doesn't agree with my decisions, and we had arguments and disagreements without the world coming to an end. We also began to enjoy each others company and started to feel like a true partnership and marriage. Fast forward to the present. My wife is still tremendously shy, but not in the context of our marriage, and the people pleasing stuff is almost a non-issue. Two or three of her friends still consider me their kind of "go-to" guy for certain things ("can you sell this bike on craigslist", or "can you put this new bike together"...I used to have a bike shop), but now my wife, instead of agreeing to their requests, will ask me, instead of just assuming, and in some cases their friends pay me or offer to pay me (which I usually decline). My wife and I talk about almost everything now, and we even have established a regular "date day", where she takes a sick day (you know, a mental health day, as the saying goes) and we spend the day together (I have a flexible schedule). I'm really quite happy with my marriage now, and the point of this story is simply to say that change for the better is possible. I don't know how my wife made the change but I'm very happy she did. This is a very nice article with lots of great information. My wife was a chronic people pleaser, and to make things worse, she is also pathologically shy. I didn’t really know this when we were married twenty years ago and for the first 12 years of our marriage it caused huge problems in all areas. Somehow her people pleasing would often involve me as a reluctant participant; can’t tell you how many times she has accepting a friend’s useless crap that I just have to end up taking to the dump; or how about time time she volunteered to coach our daughter’s soccer team and then asked me to take over because she doesn’t know anything about soccer. The list is long.
Her shyness caused huge problems in all areas of our marriage. She was simply unable or incapable of speaking her mind on anything, be it where to go for dinner or complex stuff like politics. Whenever I would ask for her input I would be met with a wall of silence. I had considered walking out many times because I wanted to be married to an equal partner and she seemed incapable of being that equal partner.
Somewhere around 7 or 8 years ago, after being met with the wall of silence for the 10,000th time, I basically gave her an ultimatum. Either figure out how to be an equal partner and focus on how to make our marriage more productive (i.e. significantly reduce the people pleasing and shyness) or our marriage is over.
In my mind, the ultimatum was just window dressing, as I had already conceded that the marriage was over. To my surprise, however, what happened was almost a marriage miracle. Within a month of my ultimatum, she significantly reduced her take home work, she began telling me what she wants and needs, she began to tell me when she doesn’t agree with my decisions, and we had arguments and disagreements without the world coming to an end. We also began to enjoy each others company and started to feel like a true partnership and marriage.
Fast forward to the present. My wife is still tremendously shy, but not in the context of our marriage, and the people pleasing stuff is almost a non-issue. Two or three of her friends still consider me their kind of “go-to” guy for certain things (“can you sell this bike on craigslist”, or “can you put this new bike together”…I used to have a bike shop), but now my wife, instead of agreeing to their requests, will ask me, instead of just assuming, and in some cases their friends pay me or offer to pay me (which I usually decline). My wife and I talk about almost everything now, and we even have established a regular “date day”, where she takes a sick day (you know, a mental health day, as the saying goes) and we spend the day together (I have a flexible schedule).
I’m really quite happy with my marriage now, and the point of this story is simply to say that change for the better is possible. I don’t know how my wife made the change but I’m very happy she did.

]]> By: Ari http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/#comment-3159 Ari Sun, 22 Jan 2012 10:28:26 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-3159 Thank you for writing such an insightful article. I resonated so much with it and also with Alex's recent post and your reply to him. I always thought of myself as a really nice and open person, who just wants everyone to be happy and never wants to hurt anyone's feelings. I am seeing now that actually I am just very scared of people not liking me so I am afraid to show them who I really am. It's very painful to see that my actions have really been very self-serving! I always thought I was very insightfully reading people's reactions to me. If I sense that people have an opinion different from mine (whether it be religion, politics, childrearing or even much smaller issues) I just clam up! Rather than risk rejection or possibly hurting someone's feelings by disagreeing I either agree, or say nothing at all. I am constantly analyzing people's reactions to me and constantly having my feelings hurt when I feel people are not taking the time to get to know me! I realize now that my personality is becoming rather flat, as you mentioned in the article, I am losing my flavor! It's no wonder people are not taking the time to get to know me. I have no opinions on anything anymore! I am losing that spark I once had and I have been blaming others for not allowing me to be myself! I feel overworked and run down, I feel especially like my children take advantage of me and use me as the maid and that my in-laws constantly step on my toes, but after reading this article I see where I have (in an effort to be accepted and viewed as perfect) actually put myself in a situation where I don't receive the respect and love I deserve because I act like a doormat!! I can see where issues from my childhood, my parent's divorce, being a shy dorky girl, moving from east to west coast and being criticized for being different, talking different, led me to try and fit in and conform myself to what I thought was most acceptable to other people. I think I gained some acceptance which led to self confidence in high school and young adulthood and during that time made many close lasting relationships. Then as an adult I went through a painful divorce and when I re-married we moved to my husband's home town where I knew no one but him and his parents so again I quickly tried to make myself acceptable to everyone by not speaking my mind or being myself until I thought I knew who they wanted me to be! This has NOT worked! 12 years later I am depressed because I don't have any real friends! Wow! You have inspired me to take action and get off this crazy train! It has caused me a lot of pain and although my efforts have always been an attempt to make me feel better, they have definitely left me feeling worse! Like you, giving my life to Christ has made a huge difference, although I STILL struggle with this problem, it's only been 8 years so maybe I need to wait two more?? :) You've written a beautiful article here on a subject many of us struggle with, I feel it's a great start, now would you happen to have any ideas or insights on raising self-confidence and becoming your more authentic self? Would love to hear back from you if you have the time! Thanks Thank you for writing such an insightful article.
I resonated so much with it and also with Alex’s recent post and your reply to him.
I always thought of myself as a really nice and open person, who just wants everyone to be happy and never wants to hurt anyone’s feelings. I am seeing now that actually I am just very scared of people not liking me so I am afraid to show them who I really am. It’s very painful to see that my actions have really been very self-serving!
I always thought I was very insightfully reading people’s reactions to me. If I sense that people have an opinion different from mine (whether it be religion, politics, childrearing or even much smaller issues) I just clam up! Rather than risk rejection or possibly hurting someone’s feelings by disagreeing I either agree, or say nothing at all.
I am constantly analyzing people’s reactions to me and constantly having my feelings hurt when I feel people are not taking the time to get to know me! I realize now that my personality is becoming rather flat, as you mentioned in the article, I am losing my flavor! It’s no wonder people are not taking the time to get to know me. I have no opinions on anything anymore! I am losing that spark I once had and I have been blaming others for not allowing me to be myself!
I feel overworked and run down, I feel especially like my children take advantage of me and use me as the maid and that my in-laws constantly step on my toes, but after reading this article I see where I have (in an effort to be accepted and viewed as perfect) actually put myself in a situation where I don’t receive the respect and love I deserve because I act like a doormat!!
I can see where issues from my childhood, my parent’s divorce, being a shy dorky girl, moving from east to west coast and being criticized for being different, talking different, led me to try and fit in and conform myself to what I thought was most acceptable to other people. I think I gained some acceptance which led to self confidence in high school and young adulthood and during that time made many close lasting relationships. Then as an adult I went through a painful divorce and when I re-married we moved to my husband’s home town where I knew no one but him and his parents so again I quickly tried to make myself acceptable to everyone by not speaking my mind or being myself until I thought I knew who they wanted me to be! This has NOT worked! 12 years later I am depressed because I don’t have any real friends!
Wow! You have inspired me to take action and get off this crazy train! It has caused me a lot of pain and although my efforts have always been an attempt to make me feel better, they have definitely left me feeling worse! Like you, giving my life to Christ has made a huge difference, although I STILL struggle with this problem, it’s only been 8 years so maybe I need to wait two more?? :)
You’ve written a beautiful article here on a subject many of us struggle with, I feel it’s a great start, now would you happen to have any ideas or insights on raising self-confidence and becoming your more authentic self?
Would love to hear back from you if you have the time!
Thanks

]]> By: Julia http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/#comment-3157 Julia Wed, 18 Jan 2012 04:01:35 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-3157 This 'disease' is unbelievably draining. I am only 20 and I've never really noticed the harm it can do until recently. But i can't see myself not being a people-pleaser. And on top of everything else that is going on at the moment, to stop and focus on 'fixing' the problem seems nothing but selfish..yet i cannot seem to continue because I am so drained and can't help but fall into a pattern of recurring depression. Tips? Advice? This ‘disease’ is unbelievably draining. I am only 20 and I’ve never really noticed the harm it can do until recently. But i can’t see myself not being a people-pleaser. And on top of everything else that is going on at the moment, to stop and focus on ‘fixing’ the problem seems nothing but selfish..yet i cannot seem to continue because I am so drained and can’t help but fall into a pattern of recurring depression. Tips? Advice?

]]> By: Eric Hamm http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/#comment-3147 Eric Hamm Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:11:30 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-3147 “…in the sick world of people pleasing, I am only pleasing others for the selfish reason of their acceptance.” Exactly! Eric “…in the sick world of people pleasing, I am only pleasing others for the selfish reason of their acceptance.”

Exactly!

Eric

]]> By: Angie http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/#comment-3145 Angie Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:04:39 +0000 http://motivatethyself.com/?p=3254#comment-3145 As I sat down this morning to reflect on the new year, I realize I am unhappy and restless and have become increasingly resentful of my people pleasing life. I had a counselor tell me years ago that I probably think that being a pleaser is one of the best things about me. Well, yea( I thought)... But the way he said it indicated it is a real fault. Huh. I have tried different ways to understand and overcome this driving force in me, but it is still ruling much of my life. I am seeing how it is imprisoning me, and I have really lost myself, my flavor as you say. The question comes, "if you take away the pleaser in me, WHO AM I?" I honestly don't know who I am apart from being the pleaser that takes on the personalities of those around me. How sad is that? I honestly want to break free. I resonate with so much of what you are saying. How do I begin to discover who I am, what I like and dislike, when so much of my decision-making process is made of what those around me want. And I am scared of losing the "happiness" I get fom pleasing others. It feels selfish to just proceed with what I want. Even though in the sick world of people pleasing, I am only pleasing others for the selfish reason of their acceptance. As I sat down this morning to reflect on the new year, I realize I am unhappy and restless and have become increasingly resentful of my people pleasing life. I had a counselor tell me years ago that I probably think that being a pleaser is one of the best things about me. Well, yea( I thought)… But the way he said it indicated it is a real fault. Huh. I have tried different ways to understand and overcome this driving force in me, but it is still ruling much of my life. I am seeing how it is imprisoning me, and I have really lost myself, my flavor as you say. The question comes, “if you take away the pleaser in me, WHO AM I?” I honestly don’t know who I am apart from being the pleaser that takes on the personalities of those around me. How sad is that? I honestly want to break free. I resonate with so much of what you are saying. How do I begin to discover who I am, what I like and dislike, when so much of my decision-making process is made of what those around me want. And I am scared of losing the “happiness” I get fom pleasing others. It feels selfish to just proceed with what I want. Even though in the sick world of people pleasing, I am only pleasing others for the selfish reason of their acceptance.

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